Anger, observation & guilt will rot out your "soul".

I feel absolutely sick. Stuck looking back. Always aching to bleed out & quiet what never shuts up. Some part of me screaming about some kind of gross injustice. It never stops.

In 1st grade I had 2 gym teachers. One was maybe a 35-40 year old short white lesbian with short dark brown hair. I don't remember her name but she was usually kind & just in our everyday activities. The other teacher was about a 50 year old man named Mr. Collins. He was disgusting. His once white skin was tanned to death & therefore, leathered. He had extremely curly red hair that was like a bowl cut & deep ugly pores. He did ornery things.

He would lunge over the "pretty girls" faces in our class while they sat Indian style on the floor. He'd ask them, "What do you think of my gluts? My hamstrings?" All while posing in a warrior pose over their heads making them feel uncomfortable.

I specifically remember him doing this often to a girl named Sarah. She was very pretty & truly innocent like I've never been, even then. I envied her purity. I wanted to be smily faced & beautiful like her, seeing all that is good in the world around her. At other times she made my stomach turn.

I have to admit that even in this man's abusive grotesqueness I was jealous that he gave her that special predator like attention. But even with that said, I knew what he was doing was wrong & I knew she didn't deserve it.

Even though she would giggle uncomfortably when he'd basically tea bag her head in his tiny revealing running shorts, she had no idea of what his real sadistic intensions where. But I saw it inside his eyes & knew I deserved that treatment because only I could value being treated like a sex object in 1st grade. There's always been something a little off about me in that way.

Our female gym teacher saw Mr. Collin's behavior & simply ignored it which led me to despise her as well for not being woman enough to put a stop to his inappropriate behavior. Those sweet little girls had no fucking idea... She acted as if she was scared to cross him for one reason or another. She literally would close her eyes & look away as he did athletic squats over little girls' heads, all while asking them if they could tell he's been working out. That stupid bitch.

It makes me wonder if he had something over her? It was obvious to me that she was a lesbian. I've always been able to pick gay boys & lesbians out of my peer group, as well as out of the adults around me since I was 4. But then again that's just as far back as my memory reliably goes. Before age 4, it's hit & miss.

Maybe she confronted him & he threatened to bring her job's placement to the school board with proof that she was, in fact, a lesbian. Where I live, it would be worse for a good teacher to be gay than a straight teacher to possibly be sexually abusive. That's the sad truth.

However, if I were in her spot I'd much rather run the gamut of losing my job than allowing a male teacher to casually sexually abuse innocent unsuspecting little girls.

This kind of bullshit rips my insides out. It makes me wonder if any one else remembers this everyday activity in our 1st grade gym class. Did anyone else get a sick feeling in the pit of their stomach when they observed this bullshit that was happening blatantly in front of our tiny faces? Was there any other girl or boy guilty of knowing it was wrong but not able to help their jealousy? Was I the only one?

I see all kinds of things. I always have. No one has ever believed me or took an interest enough to change it. I hate them for that. They fuel my anger with their passivity. Do something when you see wrong doing. Otherwise you'll die stupid & guilty like me.