- 02:13 My insanity drives people I want to snuggle away from me and my bed. #
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 18:20 What happened to girls/women having those tiny waists like Brigette Bardot and Jane Mansfield? #
- 23:19 My great grandma had a pace maker that would tick. I wonder how long it ticked after she died? It was still ticking at the funeral. #
- 01:12 I am worried about the people that are too far away to control. #
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 05:06 I need to give myself a facial. My skin looks beaten in. #
- 05:36 Someone call and order Anitra and I some pizza and beer over the phone and have it delivered to us:) #
- 22:48 Looks like I tried to cut off my arm again in the middle of the night. #
- 01:38 @dtopper22 Hey call me now I just woke up! #
Friday, September 26, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 08:34 I have a drunk man in my bed. I might try to fuck him with my very special pocket vagina. #
- 20:16 The sexing of the sleeping man did not commence and I am also out of my ADD meds so I am going to go ahead and explode now. #
- 21:57 I am glad that kid from arrested development is getting famous. I wonder if he's my age and single? #
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 21:07 To my ex-bestfriend's ex-fiance... You cannot fuck me to get back at her. I am NOT down. #
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 21:51 @what_sadie_sang New cat pic! #
- 21:56 What other woman (or non-woman!) loves wearing tights as much as I do? The thick pantyhose kind! #
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 20:31 My therapist gave me a chakra balancing machine! #
- 22:22 Does any one know how these are made? www.mydivascloset.com/3febuhaclfor2.html I want to make a bunch. #
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 15:50 Yay I am being sued for $5,500!!!!!! And they think I am /can pay this. I BITE MY THUMB AT THEM, SIR! #
- 22:16 Jessica (not Clarissa) explains it all... clubmix1996.livejournal.com/360127.html #
For Mommy Dearest.
Some things can only be said the moment when they arise from the psyche. Other ponderings are best explored over and over and sometimes guided through with the help of some sort of over (and sometimes under) paid professional.
Questions pop up and out in an un-linear fashion preparing conundrums for it’s wonderer.
1. How many patients have you had that have committed suicide?
There is no such thing as “linear” in my world. In my brain all I have come to find is an endless cyclone of various matter picked up along my journey in a chaotic fashion. Nothing has been planned, it just is.
This may not make any type of sense for the person reading this so I invite you to take from it what you will but beg of you not to make any assumptions or pretend that you know where (in my case, at least) this is all coming from.
Lately I have been exploring the possibility of many natural and super natural ideas of where I have come from, and why. Thus it begins:
In the beginning… I knew far too much. Was this a product of intelligence, abuse, prior life/lives? Or was/am I something of a mixture of those things and possibly more ideas that I cannot uncover just yet?
I was abused as a child but as far as I know it wasn’t in a sexual manner, although my behavior suggests differently.
No I was mentally and physically beaten over and over in a cycle. I could smell the fucking cycle in my mother’s house. How close were we to another crash of lightning and un-forsaken tears? I prayed for adulthood so that I could choose to do as I pleased.
No more forced meals, mother dearest. No more cleaning the same fucking spot over and over just to be told it’s still dirty… Like me the child born from her own personal filth. Guilt.
I think it’s possible she hated me and if I were her I would have hated me too. No one should have children at 17. No one with a cocaine habit to chase away their own inner demons that were born out of incidents I have only been lucky enough to pick up small glimpses of.
Here and there like the remnants of a boring old puzzle that has been lost in the backs of dusty closets… While the bulk of them, or the box carrying the rest of the image has long been thrown away.
I could never HAVE anything, for that woman would smash it all and in front of me. I could never leave and explore real youth since she had ruined her own. She had it out for me.
After all of the broken promises, lies, busted lips, lost nick knacks and finally abandonment… She asked me, “Would you rather I move back there? With you?”
With WHO? I am not anyone for you to be concerned with and you aren’t. You are only embarrassed of your little sex working daughter. Gosh to think if your friends knew! And the friends of yours that knew me, expected it. How do they not know how evil you are?
At 4, 8, 11, 19 and every year in between you hated me. You would hate me with your words, your fists and with every attempt I made, you scoffed at it like it was just a poor silly old character in a children’s book or on TV that was made… was written to laugh at.
You cut me down so many times I thought I was 2 inches tall. You said I couldn’t write, couldn’t compete, couldn’t sing. Did you know those were the only things that made me, ME? You took them away. Just like the stacks of papers, gifts, clothes, creations, pictures, that you literally threw away. Were you trying to keep me down so I didn’t rise above you, mother dearest?
I don’t even know you, woman. So why the hell would I want you near me?
A woman that toted me along before I could walk on my own to places, to people, to situations that you allowed to sacrifice my over all wellbeing. I can’t even remember all of them, and I am not so sure that I should. I knew far too much then as I do now but then I kept my mouth shut when I should have shouted.
You shaved my head and made me a warrior though all my strife that I took from you. I took the same abuse at school but I am positive that was your plan as well. Every student, teacher and stranger thought I was a little boy so I became him. That self medicating little weak boy that stuffed his face full of cakes and other delights to forget for one second he was a he and not a she as divinely planned.
Of course this made for even more hatred from you, from the world. I wanted to die as young as ten. Constantly I was compared to prettier daughters from crazier mothers. My grandmother, the one who named me Veronica… she wanted me to be a model like them. Like you mommy dearest.
But no you let it be known that child models didn’t have saddlebags, crooked teeth, or mismatched eyes. Thank you for putting me back in my place once again. Then. At ten.
Maybe you knew the pain of “pretty”. Maybe you striped me of my womanhood (sequens and all) to make me good. To shelter me of what a pretty girl gets from her society. From being made a little adult woman all too soon. Like you.
But I’m not done, Mother dearest. No, not yet… I’ve still yet things to gain and people to do, with this “pretty” little dress on and with a joyfully disguised face full of paint. I will never be like you.
Questions pop up and out in an un-linear fashion preparing conundrums for it’s wonderer.
1. How many patients have you had that have committed suicide?
There is no such thing as “linear” in my world. In my brain all I have come to find is an endless cyclone of various matter picked up along my journey in a chaotic fashion. Nothing has been planned, it just is.
This may not make any type of sense for the person reading this so I invite you to take from it what you will but beg of you not to make any assumptions or pretend that you know where (in my case, at least) this is all coming from.
Lately I have been exploring the possibility of many natural and super natural ideas of where I have come from, and why. Thus it begins:
In the beginning… I knew far too much. Was this a product of intelligence, abuse, prior life/lives? Or was/am I something of a mixture of those things and possibly more ideas that I cannot uncover just yet?
I was abused as a child but as far as I know it wasn’t in a sexual manner, although my behavior suggests differently.
No I was mentally and physically beaten over and over in a cycle. I could smell the fucking cycle in my mother’s house. How close were we to another crash of lightning and un-forsaken tears? I prayed for adulthood so that I could choose to do as I pleased.
No more forced meals, mother dearest. No more cleaning the same fucking spot over and over just to be told it’s still dirty… Like me the child born from her own personal filth. Guilt.
I think it’s possible she hated me and if I were her I would have hated me too. No one should have children at 17. No one with a cocaine habit to chase away their own inner demons that were born out of incidents I have only been lucky enough to pick up small glimpses of.
Here and there like the remnants of a boring old puzzle that has been lost in the backs of dusty closets… While the bulk of them, or the box carrying the rest of the image has long been thrown away.
I could never HAVE anything, for that woman would smash it all and in front of me. I could never leave and explore real youth since she had ruined her own. She had it out for me.
After all of the broken promises, lies, busted lips, lost nick knacks and finally abandonment… She asked me, “Would you rather I move back there? With you?”
With WHO? I am not anyone for you to be concerned with and you aren’t. You are only embarrassed of your little sex working daughter. Gosh to think if your friends knew! And the friends of yours that knew me, expected it. How do they not know how evil you are?
At 4, 8, 11, 19 and every year in between you hated me. You would hate me with your words, your fists and with every attempt I made, you scoffed at it like it was just a poor silly old character in a children’s book or on TV that was made… was written to laugh at.
You cut me down so many times I thought I was 2 inches tall. You said I couldn’t write, couldn’t compete, couldn’t sing. Did you know those were the only things that made me, ME? You took them away. Just like the stacks of papers, gifts, clothes, creations, pictures, that you literally threw away. Were you trying to keep me down so I didn’t rise above you, mother dearest?
I don’t even know you, woman. So why the hell would I want you near me?
A woman that toted me along before I could walk on my own to places, to people, to situations that you allowed to sacrifice my over all wellbeing. I can’t even remember all of them, and I am not so sure that I should. I knew far too much then as I do now but then I kept my mouth shut when I should have shouted.
You shaved my head and made me a warrior though all my strife that I took from you. I took the same abuse at school but I am positive that was your plan as well. Every student, teacher and stranger thought I was a little boy so I became him. That self medicating little weak boy that stuffed his face full of cakes and other delights to forget for one second he was a he and not a she as divinely planned.
Of course this made for even more hatred from you, from the world. I wanted to die as young as ten. Constantly I was compared to prettier daughters from crazier mothers. My grandmother, the one who named me Veronica… she wanted me to be a model like them. Like you mommy dearest.
But no you let it be known that child models didn’t have saddlebags, crooked teeth, or mismatched eyes. Thank you for putting me back in my place once again. Then. At ten.
Maybe you knew the pain of “pretty”. Maybe you striped me of my womanhood (sequens and all) to make me good. To shelter me of what a pretty girl gets from her society. From being made a little adult woman all too soon. Like you.
But I’m not done, Mother dearest. No, not yet… I’ve still yet things to gain and people to do, with this “pretty” little dress on and with a joyfully disguised face full of paint. I will never be like you.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 23:40 You made me feel stupid. And I HATE feeling stupid. #
- 01:22 NEED. SMELLY. MAN. SEX. NOW. #
- 01:51 Someone buy me a nice and dirty martini. It will make my hello kitty panties go PING and possibly hit the floor. #
- 02:50 @what_sadie_sang I quit three days ago. #
- 02:51 @kellylind Like doing a cam show? That's sortof a great idea! #
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 18:19 I like having sex with asian boys. Actually I just want to have sex with a small (or larger!) emo asian boy right now. #
- 18:22 @leonleaf I also very VERY much like jewish boys. So you're in! #
- 23:13 I need ideas for GodsGirls photo sets... and uh MONEY. I'm so broke it feels like i am starving even though I am not. #
- 00:27 I'm not wearing any make-up and i look like a wet rat. Someone suggest a site with stomach crunchy instructions. I need abs. #
- 00:39 Sometimes I get THIS close to shaving my head. Then I remember my vanity. Pierce my nipples for free, THX. #
If ya wanna be my lover!?
I live in a town that imposes the idea on all of it’s inhabitants… “You do, thus you are.” If you were a certain way at one second in any part of your past, you must still be. It’s complete bullshit and yet totally my fault, at least in several ways pertaining to my case.
I stare at the computer sometimes and I totally want to type out what I am feeling but I forget what I need to say and how I planned on saying it. This is not normal for my writing and it’s actually becoming rather upsetting.
I am lonely and everyone I know insists on going out and getting trashed as a way to have fun. I am certainly never the type to turn down alcohol. Hehe. But damn bars are so fucking sad not to even mention fucking expensive and I am broke as FUCK. Send me money! No really. My epassporte account is Clubmix1996 just like the rest of my shit online.
So to remedy my loneliness I am proposing an online video contest to find a new BFF and Lover… or if I am so lucky, one person that fits into both of these roles. I made a video and posted it on youtube to advertise this contest but it screwed up and only half way recorded so I will need to rerecord the pitch and post it up again later today but here are the details:
To enter you must compose a video clip of yourself answering the following questions as well as adding anything that you think would forward your way into my heart (awe!) and post it on youtube or livevideo or any other free video site that you prefer and email me the link to the clip. Send entries to [email protected].
The cutoff date for entries will be September 21st.
You need to be comfortable with me sampling any of these videos or posting the entire video in my various blogs to be voted on.
Also you need to be comfortable with doing a video challenge weekly for up to 8 weeks in a row.
Winning a video challenge will gain you immunity in future challenges, get out of challenge free passes, and one on one cam time (or if you live near me you could gain real time with me). The cam time or real time get togethers will be recorded and posted as well.
Think of it like you are participating in an online reality dating show. You may enter as a Lover contestant or a BFF contestant of if you are really awesome you will enter as both. However if you want to compete for both you must be aware there will be weeks that you will have to complete 2 video challenges!
Here are the questions for your first video:
1. Do you think you have time to dedicate to me as my new BFF or Lover? How much are you willing to share with me?
2. What do you do for a living?
3. Your Hobbies?
4. Age? (You muct be over 18 to participate but there is no limit on how old you can be.)
5. What is your preferred sex? Are you male, female or something more fun? (I like it all. I don’t discriminate.)
6. Sexual orientation?
7. Are you willing to travel to my area? (I live in the Midwest. My actual real location will be revealed to my chosen contestants in confidence.)
8. Do you have a digi cam, camcorder, webcam or any other kind of cam that you can use to film the weekly video challenges?
9. Are you comfortable uploading these videos to public video sharing sites like youtube, livevideo, ect… for me to be able to embed or link to them in my blogs?
10. Why do you think you should win?
11. Are you interested in competing to be my BFF. Lover or both?
Email the links to your entry videos to [email protected] and let’s have some serious fun with this!
I have been concentrating more on creating shit lately which has been something that’s been a long time coming. I’m like bursting with creation jizz at the moment.
This of course means I need MATERIALS and SUPPLIES. I make a point to pick up cheap crap at thrift stores like old painting, wall hangings, children’s books, old magazines and lots of stuff along those lines so if you have anything like that to contribute I would GLADLY take those items off your hands. Other than that, if you are too far away from me to give up those goods and you still want to help... I have made an art supplies wishlist for myself. So get to buying!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/3P7GCAGNZLWES
So I had this idea inspired by very tragic recent events. I want you all who are reading this to email me pictures or short clips of loved ones that have passed. I want to make a short tribute video to those we love that are no longer walking around and breathing with the rest of us. This video will not be all that technical or well made. It will just be a tribute from my heart to my lost ones, your lost ones and those of you very strong folks out there surviving them. [email protected]
1. What should I be for Halloween? What are you going to be? I want to be Anorexia… There is a costume of this. Seriously. Google “costume” and “Anna Rexia”. I’m having a costume party and you’re most likely invited whether in real person or by cam
My costumes wishlist is here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/3I6V1N1O3T7K0
So you can actually send me what you want to see me party it up in!
2. Livejournal is my blog Platform of choice. Do you think using LJ is “cheap” thus lessening the impact of my writing being taken seriously?
3. Do you hate the word “artist” as much as I do? Do you feel stupid calling yourself and artist? What is an artist in your opinion. I mean in this world we have great innovative thinkers and creators then we have people like UH Amy Brown who is famous for drawing/painting fairies. Is that art when you get paid to license the images you make? Are you an artist if you continually do the same shit over and over? In your opinion are people like Amy Brown really artists?
4. I usually only ask like 3 questions but I really have to know, does anyone know anything about body painting? Would tempera paint be an acceptable medium to use?
I stare at the computer sometimes and I totally want to type out what I am feeling but I forget what I need to say and how I planned on saying it. This is not normal for my writing and it’s actually becoming rather upsetting.
I am lonely and everyone I know insists on going out and getting trashed as a way to have fun. I am certainly never the type to turn down alcohol. Hehe. But damn bars are so fucking sad not to even mention fucking expensive and I am broke as FUCK. Send me money! No really. My epassporte account is Clubmix1996 just like the rest of my shit online.
So to remedy my loneliness I am proposing an online video contest to find a new BFF and Lover… or if I am so lucky, one person that fits into both of these roles. I made a video and posted it on youtube to advertise this contest but it screwed up and only half way recorded so I will need to rerecord the pitch and post it up again later today but here are the details:
To enter you must compose a video clip of yourself answering the following questions as well as adding anything that you think would forward your way into my heart (awe!) and post it on youtube or livevideo or any other free video site that you prefer and email me the link to the clip. Send entries to [email protected].
The cutoff date for entries will be September 21st.
You need to be comfortable with me sampling any of these videos or posting the entire video in my various blogs to be voted on.
Also you need to be comfortable with doing a video challenge weekly for up to 8 weeks in a row.
Winning a video challenge will gain you immunity in future challenges, get out of challenge free passes, and one on one cam time (or if you live near me you could gain real time with me). The cam time or real time get togethers will be recorded and posted as well.
Think of it like you are participating in an online reality dating show. You may enter as a Lover contestant or a BFF contestant of if you are really awesome you will enter as both. However if you want to compete for both you must be aware there will be weeks that you will have to complete 2 video challenges!
Here are the questions for your first video:
1. Do you think you have time to dedicate to me as my new BFF or Lover? How much are you willing to share with me?
2. What do you do for a living?
3. Your Hobbies?
4. Age? (You muct be over 18 to participate but there is no limit on how old you can be.)
5. What is your preferred sex? Are you male, female or something more fun? (I like it all. I don’t discriminate.)
6. Sexual orientation?
7. Are you willing to travel to my area? (I live in the Midwest. My actual real location will be revealed to my chosen contestants in confidence.)
8. Do you have a digi cam, camcorder, webcam or any other kind of cam that you can use to film the weekly video challenges?
9. Are you comfortable uploading these videos to public video sharing sites like youtube, livevideo, ect… for me to be able to embed or link to them in my blogs?
10. Why do you think you should win?
11. Are you interested in competing to be my BFF. Lover or both?
Email the links to your entry videos to [email protected] and let’s have some serious fun with this!
I have been concentrating more on creating shit lately which has been something that’s been a long time coming. I’m like bursting with creation jizz at the moment.
This of course means I need MATERIALS and SUPPLIES. I make a point to pick up cheap crap at thrift stores like old painting, wall hangings, children’s books, old magazines and lots of stuff along those lines so if you have anything like that to contribute I would GLADLY take those items off your hands. Other than that, if you are too far away from me to give up those goods and you still want to help... I have made an art supplies wishlist for myself. So get to buying!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/3P7GCAGNZLWES
So I had this idea inspired by very tragic recent events. I want you all who are reading this to email me pictures or short clips of loved ones that have passed. I want to make a short tribute video to those we love that are no longer walking around and breathing with the rest of us. This video will not be all that technical or well made. It will just be a tribute from my heart to my lost ones, your lost ones and those of you very strong folks out there surviving them. [email protected]
1. What should I be for Halloween? What are you going to be? I want to be Anorexia… There is a costume of this. Seriously. Google “costume” and “Anna Rexia”. I’m having a costume party and you’re most likely invited whether in real person or by cam
My costumes wishlist is here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/3I6V1N1O3T7K0
So you can actually send me what you want to see me party it up in!
2. Livejournal is my blog Platform of choice. Do you think using LJ is “cheap” thus lessening the impact of my writing being taken seriously?
3. Do you hate the word “artist” as much as I do? Do you feel stupid calling yourself and artist? What is an artist in your opinion. I mean in this world we have great innovative thinkers and creators then we have people like UH Amy Brown who is famous for drawing/painting fairies. Is that art when you get paid to license the images you make? Are you an artist if you continually do the same shit over and over? In your opinion are people like Amy Brown really artists?
4. I usually only ask like 3 questions but I really have to know, does anyone know anything about body painting? Would tempera paint be an acceptable medium to use?
Friday, September 12, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 04:35 @dickenshit That you are! #
- 04:36 i have amazing hair. I thought you should know. #
- 07:59 RIP Andrea. You were the queeen of beating bitches asses on the ghetto dance floor. #
- 19:07 I had weeeeird dreams last night. I dreamt of some people I haven't seen in a very long time. #
- 19:32 @eonmckai I am super jealous. #
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 20:15 I love dog kisses! #
- 20:17 @tastytrixie I have low iron but right before my period it drops drastically. I take these awesome super organic vegan prenatal vitamins. #
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 18:14 @dickenshit OMG Avacado soup. YUM. #
- 18:22 When I drink I get rather vulgar, don't I? #
- 18:44 I am a fucking idiot. I fucking hostile insecure bitch idiot who talks shit about people that care about me. I will not do this anymore. #
- 18:49 I am really sad and it's all my fault. I am going to get my shit together from this moment forward. Really. No excuses. #
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 05:07 @tastytrixie I like the brown hair a lot it makes your skin just like GLOW. #
- 16:16 @adorableaudrey So do you need the spore creature creator to make your own spores or does the game have that included with it? #
- 19:22 It smells like piss where I am sitting right now... #
- 20:21 I need a real camera with a remote to take my own sets and a mac because my windows laptops are shitty mcgee. Buy it for me. #
- 21:33 Hey I am doing my members show at 7 instead of 10 tonight so i can watch the MTV music awards:) Be there! #
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 09:27 My stomach feels better and I am gungry in a normal way again. Or maybe I haven't woke up all the way quite yet. #
- 23:58 I am sad again. I just realized I have no friends again. And it's my mother's birthday. #
- 00:33 @tastytrixie So do you guys not use licensed music on the sites? You said that about the royalties. #
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 17:04 What good is writting poetry? And damnit fuck poerty! #
- 17:11 You'll love this Brittney... tinyurl.com/57dyx4 #
- 18:36 Nothing i have been eating lately seems to taste that good, do you ever feel that way? #
- 19:17 why do I feel like vomiting 97% of the time? I have been ill lately. Please pray that the sickness goes away soon. #
- 19:26 I just realized that I make people at bars think I am an idiot. This is really depressing and makes me want to leave my house even less. #
- 19:33 @juliebot3000 I think I have been eating TOO much. But no I am not ok. I feel pukish all the time for like a week now. #
- 20:06 @juliebot3000 Nothing new here I don't think. Maybe wanting to puke is just all in my head. #
- 20:12 Is my life in storage? Possibly. I am drinking vinegar and baking soda. It's helping randomly. #
- 20:41 @juliebot3000 I might go to the doctor and complain about it, if it doesn't stop. In the mean time look at this: www.justin.tv/clubmix1996 #
- 21:55 Gonorrhea is commonly known by the slang term the clap. The clap was replaced with the similar sounding the jack in the 1975 ac/dc song. #
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 03:09 I love it when thinner younger dudes look like they are old already. That's the type I wanna marry. #
- 03:15 My hair is mega crappy right now. I love my ethnic background but DAMN it fucks up my hair. #
- 03:19 Take pills. Stop thinking. #
- 03:21 I dunno if this "blonde" thing is working out so well. or maybe I just don't have the patience for it. Take pill? Stop growing? #
- 03:26 tinyurl.com/5hjaml "I let him fuck me!" #
- 05:19 Sometimes I get incredibly obsessed with being the reincarnation of Zelda Fitzgerald. I mean, who wouldn't? #
- 19:25 What movie is this quote from: "My foot hurts, can I go to the nurse?" #
- 22:43 um tinyurl.com/6s2gwu now #
Monday, September 1, 2008
Are you stalking me?
- 05:08 UPDATE: My spy cams will be back up tomorrow. I worked on the vista death computer all weekend and hope it will run them better now. #
- 10:27 I just edited a video 3 TIMES and movie maker fucking shut down on me all 3 times. I give the fuck up. #
- 11:20 I just read the best fucking thing I have ever read it my life... A Little Hell Breaks Loose by Patricia Smith #
- 12:28 I just got terribly excited when I realized how close Halloween is. I'm going to have a party this year. #
- 02:45 Another day... another "I slept for 10 hours." #
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