Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Sometimes I get frustrated...

I’m making rice noodles for dinner and talking this dude I totally wanted to bang when I was in jr. high (during which time I think he might have been a senior in high school) on AIM.

Lately I have been feeling totally swamped with work to do but still not getting jack done. So I’m just stressed out and why? I don’t have a good reason.

My apartment is totally turning into one of those houses from the show “Hoarders”. I make excuses for not cleaning up or taking the time to organize anything because I feel like I have so much to do with my online porn business and yet I’m getting nothing done for that either… I need to edit like 3 videos still for the week and transfer all of my shakinit videos into my flash player on (which I finally got done a few days ago. I started writing this blog entry maybe a week ago today…) I have a weekly photoset to edit and update as well. Of course…

I think I am going to have to turn off all of my messengers again for a few weeks until I get caught up. I always feel like with 50 million people emailing me and sending me IMs daily that I can’t get anything else done. I’m just so used to running them all day 24/7 without question. That probably needs to change if I want to become a more productive member of the porn community… Or even society as a whole.

Lately it’s been like I’ve been wrapped up in some sort of heavy glue or putty. I feel bogged down and sluggish. Not really like depressed but kind of like slow mentally and physically. I can’t blame anything on the stroke anymore since they said my brain no longer shows any type of damage or anything so I have to blame it on myself.

There was a picture of me posted from the porn convention I went to a few weeks ago. It was fucking disgusting. I look bloated as fuck and my eyebrows look like they were drawn on with a gel pin. I bet everyone thought I looked like an insane cat lady. Too bad I have no way of ever seeing exactly through the eyes of the people around me.

I’ve got to give up living for everyone else (even though that’s kind of my fucking job) and instead live in my own REAL skin or at the very least stop obsessing about which angles of my true self are marketable. Sometimes thinking like that can drive you fucking insane. I don’t want to have to worry about putting up my updates on a schedule and instead really putting time and creative energy in to each product I produce. There has to be some type of perfect medium without appearing to be too “flaky”.

Also I really want to start taking the time to work on myself. I’ve got a shit ton of ideas that need to literally be painted, books to read/absorb, burlesque/performance art routines to concoct, new looks to try out and a fucking house to clean. I don’t have time to do any of this shit because I can’t seem to manage my time in any type of appropriate fashion. When I sit down to the computer with the intentions to edit pictures/videos, do blog/forum posts or email my affiliates and get them whatever shit they need… I can never get a day’s work even finished because of all the random emails I get and instant messages people send me.

I realize this makes me sound like an ungrateful bitch to my fans and site members but that’s totally not the case. I love how you guys always have a kind word for me or compliments on the things I do. They make my day and honestly I live for them but it’s just hard to juggle the fun parts of being a modern sex icon and the lame parts of owning my own business at a very young age.

I need a live in slave to handle the business/technical side of running a smut site so I can fuck off and answer fun emails and chat with my fans and members. Then I might have time to paint, take classes I’m interested in, and be a more of a well rounded Jessa. I’ve got to rethink my weekly schedule and give myself a cut off time at night when I will no longer work on anything business related and possibly one day a week I can just catch up on relaxing, cleaning and doing my non-adult art work.

I’ll get back with you on that…


Sydney said...

I have the same problem (ok - not exactly the same, but I have a difficult time managing my...time) I think a huge part of it is my ADHD, but just knowing why doesn't really help. I've been trying out some things. I've found that making to-do lists and sticking to them really works for me. The big problem then is sticking to them, though (lol).

Anyways, I hope you can find a balance. Being super ambitious but feeling like you can't get anything done is really frustrating.

Oh, and I'd totally be your live-in slave :D

Empressive Lover said...

Don't beat yourself up; this business is actually a *lot* of work, and I don't even do as much as you do.

Of course, outsourcing crap you don't wanna do (like cleaning house once in a while or getting a virtual assistant) could be well worth the investment. Just a thought.

UndressJess said...

What kind of stuff does the virtual assistant do really?