Friday, April 27, 2012

Why I'm quitting Adderall & how this will effect EVERYTHING in my life...

I’ve lost my mind. I thought maybe you should know. Not really but I AM quitting Adderall. Or I’m at least TRYING to quit taking Adderall… I’m sure this is common knowledge at least with the folks that know me personally that I’ve always had a slight bit of an issue with being flakey. I say I’m going to show up here on this day or have whatever done by this time & I usually get caught up with something “new” (bright & shiny things attract me) & completely forget about what it was I was supposed to be doing. I have ADD. I’ve had ADD my entire life but as a child I refused to take meds for it. This made getting good grades (in honors classes because I am IN FACT a genius according to my intelligence quotient… Just not a very productive one!) pretty much not at all possible. The only reason I would even force myself to pay attention long enough to get passing grades was so I could continue with my school related extra curricular activities like drama, musicals, show choir & dancing on the pom squad. You had to have at least “C” average to participate in those SUPER SWEET activities.

So yeah, I know this about myself… It’s extremely hard for me complete tasks or get things done ESPECIALLY if there is (even if it’s only in my head) a time line that these things need to be completed on. Time constraints and needing to finish anything pretty much stresses me out to the point of me having servere panic attacks. The only reason my website is successful now is due to Adderall. I have been on Adderall since I started my site. It’s been the only thing that has made it possible for me work from home without someone standing over me yelling at me to complete tasks. So why do I want to ween myself off of this wonder drug? Because I’m scared of pharmaceuticals. I mean if you remember, I DID have a totally random stroke that was caused by birth control 2 years back… That’s enough to scare the pants off of anyone, right?

Well the other thing was that I’ve had these heart murmurs (or palpitations… I don’t know which is the technical term for what I’ve been experiencing) since I was in high school when I abused highly dangerous diet pills to be able to function. I guess this was my way of self medicating? Anyhow I noticed them one night when I was laying in bed on the phone and my heart had a extremely hard beat and then felt like it stopped. I of course freaked out & ran into my mom’s room screaming that my heart had stopped. She explained to me that if my heart had stopped I wouldn’t be able to run around and freak out like that. I’ve had doctors do a heart scan on me & each time they’ve found nothing. But they aren’t consistent & as a matter of fact I probably haven’t had one of these heart thingies in like 4 years until a few months ago. After I would take my 1st dose of Adderall in the mornings I would get them immediately & sometimes they would continue through out the day. I’d never noticed them that frequently before & since Adderall HAS BEEN KNOWN to cause sudden death via hearth failure this concerns me as it would anyone.

So please bare with me. I am trying to figure out what supplements I can take in place of Adderall as well as safer supplements that with work the same way that Adderall did for me helping me to concentrate & get things done. Until I get this all straight I will be a little slow on a BUNCH of different levels. I need you to encourage me & help me get through this. Also when I had to be taken off of Adderall cold turkey for 6 months after my stroke while I was on blood thinners I suffered from a MAJOR depression. You might notice that this has already started sneaking into my life. You’ve probably been able to tell by my tweets lately that I’m already feeling the effects of the depression cause from withdrawal. This will also make it hard for me to want to accomplish things. But please remember that I am doing my best & will continue to do my best through this & even after this is all over to be there for you guys & keep you happy!

You’ll notice that I will (and have already) possibly mix up show times, get slow on editing & posting new videos, cancel the HD shows when I’m exhausted or feeling down because I CAN cancel them without losing anything (if I cancel the MPI shows they won’t pay me & I can’t have that!). I AM however working on a schedule for myself and if I can master it (which so far I haven’t been able to stick to it for even a whole damned day but I’ll never give up!) that will help me get my updates to you guys on a regular basis! An example of my scatterbrained mentality right now I have been working on this blog post for a WHOLE WEEK. Well I started writing it on Monday. But I wanted to finish it so that you would know what I’m going through & what I’m up against.

To read more info on quitting Adderall (& how you could possibly help me with this VERY DIFFICULT transition) click here!!! Also I have placed a lot of items on my “health” wish list for helping with my mood & even some supplements that were recommended by the website linked above! So any help you give by sending me the items from my “health” wish list will be HIGHLY appreciated! Thank you guys for being patient with me & we’ll totally get through this together! You homies are my heart! I love you & as always email me at [email protected] if you need help with anything or even to simply offer suggestions on videos for the site. I’m working on posting 2 fun little requested videos on the site as we speak! :)

Thanks for reading & understanding!



Bella Bellini said...

Good luck Jess! I know you can do it:)