Friday, January 25, 2013

Going for the GOLD! The "skinny" gold, that is...

Current Weight: 160.8 (God dammit!  I've GAINED since I last weighed myself. Awesome.)
Goal Weight: 135
Ultimate Goal Weight: 120?

Yes I watermarked that picture.  I refuse to be ashamed of my health goals.  I want to lose weight healthily & feel better about myself.  This is my "before" picture as I've really only started to focus on losing weight a few days ago.  So I'm technically still at my starting point.  

I took this picture like 15 times to get the right one that I'd be "okay" with posting.  I'm not going to lie, I'm being VERY brave here.  First off, my hair isn't totally straightened yet today & my makeup it utterly fucked.  I'm feeling very insecure & ugly today but I'm pushing through.  

As you might have noticed, last year I dropped a lot of weight.  About 2 and a half years ago I was at my chubbiest at 189lbs.  I can't even imagine that now.  I reached that weight after I had a stroke & was abruptly taken off of ALL my psychiatric meds (including Adderall) for 6 months & put on metabolism dropping blood thinners.  In 6 months I went from about 135lbs to 189lbs.  I felt awful. 

So about a year and a half ago I started trying to get more physical activity and began eating a LOT cleaner.  I got down to 135 & I was so happy!!!  However, approximately last May I fell into a downward spiral of depression.  There were several reasons that this happened that I don't mind to discuss but I don't really have the room here to do that so for now I'll skip that explanation.  

On top of being severely clinically depressed my doctor also decided to abruptly take me off of Adderall of which I've been taking since I was in high school.  If you know anything about Adderall, you know how jarring to your system it can be to stop taking it out of the blue when you've grown reliant on it to function.  

So I basically haven't been doing anything but crying, sitting on my ass & watching netflix since May.  I seriously haven't done hardly anything.  I'm still VERY depressed but I'm working to get better a little at a time.  I'm also off of ALL pharmaceutics for the first time as an adult.  I'm trying to work through my issues without the use of drugs and I've never really done this so I'm not an expert by any means.  I'm just taking everything a day at a time.  

To take control of my emotional state and my life I'm also wanting to get in shape because not only would I like to feel superficially "hot" again but I also believe your physical health has a LOT to do with your mental health.  It goes hand in hand!  

I thought of creating a secret journal to talk about this process on without showing my face but I decided against it.  I have a LOT of wonderful supporters and I could really use YOUR help in accomplishing these fitness goals.  

I'm a brat so I totally made a wishlist dedicated to stuff that will help me get where I need to be.  If you feel inclined to send me something from that list, I'd be forever grateful. 

I also have a few fitness related things on my birthday wishlist! 

I pledge to you to take instagram pics of absolutely EVERYTHING I eat & post them on tumblr & twitter.  The good AND the bad.  I'm also wanting to work off the weight doing yoga & various kinds of dance.  I really like working out with those dance games on xbox!  They really make you work up a sweat!
Anyways... I guess I've said enough?  Please don't heckle me for being chubby right now.  I totally couldn't handle that.  My emotional state is weak & you'd really be hurting me more than you could understand.  I'm trusting y'all to be good people. 

Also I don't want to hear, "You're fine like you are... I LIKE thick girls!"  It doesn't matter what you like.  Honestly this is more about health than anything else along with ME feeling GOOD about myself.  Please don't try to take that away from me in any way, shape or form.  Encourage me! :)


fishy said...

So proud of are brave and strong. Good luck, be patient and kind with yourself. You deserve great things and, most importantly, happiness.


UndressJess said...

Thx Fishypoo!

Anonymous said...

I just discovered your site and read some of your posts.You are young and brave.You had enough problems but you've managed to overcome them.You can achieve your fitness goals because you are strong.

Khristy Creams said...

It's your birthday today... have an awesome day and if you ever want to chat or need to talk to an understanding "sister" yet a stranger... let me know. DM me on twitter and we'll talk!! Kisses Khristy XoXo