Tired.

The house is getting worse. Both houses. I know that my animals miss me very much and are confused. I feel like I am mistreating them in some way but there is really not much I can do. I am extremely behind on my work. In being my own boss I feel that very often I have to trick myself into doing what I need to do to stay afloat. Really I am actually lucky to have a somewhat established business in this economy. I really wanted to go to that adult webmaster conference in Phoenix but with the apartment crap and all I simply don’t have the money to put toward that right now. Hopefully there will be others and soon.

I have decided that I won’t ever date a smoker ever again. I think it’s a fucking disgusting habit and it makes me want to kill myself when I am around people that smoke. Not all people. Maybe just people that smoke really shitty cheap cigarettes and it smells so bad that I can’t even fucking breathe. I also decided that I should go ahead and write more often and vent things so I don’t let it get all pent up and make me sick anymore.

Silvia Plath’s only son hung and killed himself 10 days ago and I recently found out that the woman that her husband was seeing when she committed suicide, performed the same act of self destruction only a few years after Sylvia did herself. Everyone is dead. Or maybe I am. Whatever the case… I find it intriguing.

I want to kill Steve. I am never dating ever again after this. He constantly is yelling and bitching at me about this that and the other and his house is insane. He has this nasty huge piece on canvas down under everything in the living room with paint and every spill and every piece if shit smeared into it from the last three year. He fucking has this thing as a god damned carpet ok. So like I spill this hair shit on there and I am trying to actually clean it up right now as I type this and he tells me how disgusting I am. The precedes to tell me how his landlord isn’t going to approve my dog just because he feels like rattling my nerves even more than they already are.

Recently I brought one of my 3 cats over here to the house. I walked down to all of the animals at my old totally trashed and cursed apartment and put her in a carry cage and walk her back. She is my unofficial favorite cat. Every night when I sleep she can’t sleep herself unless she is sprawled out somewhere on me.

It’s kind of funny because right now I look like I did in high school. My hair is short and fucking curly as hell. Not to mention red. The only thing is that I am kind of chubby because I have been drowning my depression in snack cakes since I got here a month ago.

I am worried about being kicked off of this cam network that I use to broadcast shows on my site (they pay me for these shows I do through their network. $200 they send me a week. This isn’t my only income of course but it is something I rely on. The reason they might get rid of me is because I am having a hard time getting private shows after my member show that I do twice a week. I don’t really know how to seem or act more desirable. My regulars never seem to be around during this hour that I am on after I do my shows so basically I am fucked.

I feel partially sick right now and extremely frustrated/remorseful/nostalgic/upset right now. Please let me fall asleep at a decent fucking time tonight.