Friday, March 13, 2009


I’m out of my birth control after today. No matter. I don’t think I’ll be boinking anytime soon anyhow. Not now after all of this. Being homeless and all. Oh but I AM crazy, of course. Pity to me, the girl who seems to keep running into trouble. I swear I would leave if I could. I would just get up and get the fuck out of here. But I have nowhere to go. No home. My animals will die without me. They are being fed and given water but Jebadiah my dog, is losing all kinds of weight and his coat seems to be matting up. Without me there I just don’t think he likes to eat. I wish I were like that… didn’t eat when I feel like shit. Instead I do the opposite.

Steve wants me out of his place and I guess I have no reason to blame him. I imagine I would be rather difficult to live with. My site is losing memberships because I haven’t been able to consistently do my daily hour long cam shows which the members live for I bet. Also there are no spy cams because I have no home to show. I looked into a place but they wouldn’t let me have it because of my animals, and I have an idea he thought I might be to wild for the older lady that would have lived underneath. I have nowhere to go.

I am trying to inspire myself to do more to find somewhere to go but I am so depressed that I can’t bring myself to do anything right. I had been doing so fucking well and been saving up money to get myself a new mini laptop to travel with, new Zune because mine is too small for all of the music I have, and that trip to Phoenix to go to the adult webmaster convention since I had learned so much from the last. I can’t get those things now or go since the convention is just at the beginning of next month. I fucking hat e my landlord for putting me through this.

The economy is bad. I fucking get that but she could have warned me when this was all taking place. She has been trying to sell that fucking house since I moved in last May. I loved that place and took enough pride in the place and myself to keep it clean and well decorated. I have never been in a place mentally to want to make my home a castle, but this time I did and it was snatched away from me. It wasn’t even my fault. I don’t have a phone during the day to be able to call places and see who might like to rent to me and I don’t know who I can contact that might be able to help. I have called the legal aid society, the realtor who is selling the place with my landlord and the electric company. The utility people said I couldn’t get the shit turned back on because it’s on some type of commercial line. I don’t understand it.

I need a break through. I need a break. I need something to happen here. A miracle? But no one cares or has their own problems. But I am losing my mind like this. I have always been on my own and had to take care of myself since I was even still in high school when my mom deserted me and my grand dad died shortly afterward. No one is there for me. I am all I have ever had and I am so spoiled to think I deserve help. That I deserve a bone tossed my way when karmically this is most likely my fault to begin with. I just don’t know where to turn.