Monday, September 28, 2009

Growing Old.

It's a habit that every year when I can start to feel Fall fall that I go a little insane. I have a nasty inner being that likes to play trick or treat when the wind picks up and the temperatures start to dip low.

I was just out walking the dog and I felt it. The breeze of mental instability passing through my barely held together bones. This amazingly cool feeling makes me want to drop all responsibility and treat myself as harshly as I can take. But I like it? I can smell it like burning leaves in the air and it comes always on time every year. Somehow I always forget because it seems that by now at the end of summer I HAD my shit together finally and then little demons make me slowly slip until it hits. Autumn is equally as exhilarating as it is terrifying to me.

As hard as it might be to believe I have been working very hard lately to keep my ducks in a row. For those of you that have known me for the long haul you know how hard that can be for me. Especially now that the Fall is here and all I crave are dark beers and drinks of Washington Apples. They remind me of the old days when everything was based around carelessness and illegal substances... Sometimes legal, but not for me.

It's true that I miss those days, sure. But I strive to move ahead even when I don't know where it is that I am going. When I feel lost I let lust guide me. Lately it hasn't so much been the lust for the flesh as it has been before, but more for comfort and yet I just can't seem to get comfortable. I'd almost rather lose myself in nights of not remembering who I said I was or whom I was pretending to be. No, I can't do that now because I have gone so far just to finally pull it all tight and everyone around me is so much more grown up and they fly “by the book”. They would be ashamed of me.

I'm supposed to be becoming more responsible and I am but I am NOT ok with it. I'm boring. I buy my jeans at fucking American Eagle. I try to not leave my house unless my life depends on it. I decorate. I watch TV. I drink cheap well drinks now. I don't cheat. I browse dating sites. I check out your ass. I feel bad when I can't keep up. I cry when I disappoint myself. I don't identify with you anymore. I buy fancy dresses that I never wear. I make plans that I try to keep. I'm boring. I just don't live anymore.


thegeneral said...

Hang in there Jess! I think society puts unfair burdens on people of our generation because we always seem to have to be measuring ourselves to "the norm", "by the book". But the truth is, none of us are "normal". Sometimes I wonder if those who follow the book are actually happy being zombies who conformed perfectly to society's whims instead of taking the time to form their own opinions, take many different roads just to see what they are about even if they are dead ends.

I'll just tell you that I also went through some really tough times just a few years ago, but as long as you don't give up on yourself, you won't believe how much stronger of a person you become than anyone that didn't go through what you had to go through. Honestly, I can say that I wouldn't trade those dark times for anything in the world, even if I fell behind everyone else who was following the book.

My friend had a great quote: "everyone returns to the mean". Basically it means that it doesn't matter how much further ahead some people get than you or I, but those people will fall from grace and we will rise from the trenches as we figure things out back to the average. But of course, we will be stronger than those that started out faster because once they hit hard times, they won't know how to deal with it.

I wish you the best of luck!

(aka "UndressJess") said...

Thanks for the kind word "Genereal". I appreciate someone seeing where I am coming from!

What_Sadie_Sang said...

I don't know if this helps, but I remember thinking the same thing a few years ago. Every time I "got my shit together" I would subconsciously sabotage whatever stability I had created b/c that stability (I thought at the time) made me feel "dead inside". Not true. For a long time I worked on telling myself that it was good for me and that It was harmful to do this and healthy to do that, but it never really worked out. But I will tell you, my brain was secretly working on these things when I thought I was fucking up. I just needed time. I haven't felt like that in almost two years now. I don't have to be with people that treat me baldy. I don't shy away from doing things that make me progress as a person. And I certainly don't feel like I am a waste of boring space b/c I don't take pills and get drunk and pee on someones lawn. That is surface interest and it gets old fast. You never feel good about it later. I don't know what happened, but the health just comes naturally now. It's not a constant effort. I think you should wait it out. Your brain is gonna catch up with you, I have faith.

Blessed Be,

FlufflyBunny WiccaChick

(aka "UndressJess") said...

Hahahaha, "FluffyBunnyWiccaChick". Nice.