Abusive relationships are fucking LAME.

Some relationships are just toxic. I know this because I’d say %85 percent of mine have been toxic. The thing is that sadly what we start to accept as the norm (i.e. being treated like shit, ignored, abused, beaten, or even talked badly about behind our backs by those that claim to be in love with us) it becomes the types of situations we attract.

I think that’s really interesting because we may have not all started out having shitty partners but as soon as we had one they all started to fall in that same pattern.

I’ll tell you a little bit about mine:

The first shitty relationship I had was with a girl that totally took me for granted. We’ll call her Sandy. I was smitten with Sandy after getting to know her. Really I missed the boat because in the beginning she was in love with me but I didn’t jump in because of a few different reasons. One was due to the fact that the first time we hung out she kept me up all flipping night talking about non-sense and I was tired as fuck but she wouldn’t let me sleep for shit. Another reason was because at the time I was 15 and although I liked girls primarily I was pressured by the society I lived in to play it straight. (Which is sooo dumb now looking back.)

So after awhile we got really close as best friends and she was so funny and that is my number on turn on. If you can make me laugh I’ve already dropped my panties and all you have to go is stick it in. But by now she had a girlfriend so I never said anything until I felt like it was safe to admit. I was living out of state at that point and she was having issues with her current lady friend so I send her a long insane email professing my love for her. She didn’t get back with me for DAYS. I was dying a little bit more by each passing second waiting on her reply.

Finally I called her and confronted her. She basically pulled this copout shit pretending that she never knew and that she was so taken aback by all of this. Yeah fucking right. It was so apparent that I was in love with her for like 2 years. I would get pissed off at anyone that would flirt with her and I wanted to beat anyone up that looked at her. I was so jealous of her girlfriend that I wanted to shoot her too. This was all very detrimental to the relationship with my then current boyfriend at that time, we’ll call him Tad.

So Tad sent me a plane ticket to come back in town for the summer and the first thing I did was spend the night with Sandy. The whole night we sat there pretending to be asleep touching each other’s lady parts. By the morning she had to get up and go to school. (She was a senior in high school and I had just finished my freshmen year of college.) and she hugged and kissed me and told me she loved me and I left.

I thought you know that this all was a sign that we were dating. I was then cooking up a plan to explain this to Tad in a way that didn’t break his heart. I’m not good with these things. The thing is I was still very in love with Tad and I had no intensions of really wanting to end that. I wanted us all to live in harmony with the free love and what not. Too bad life never works out like that…

I didn’t tell Tad about this for several months but he could sense it was going on and totally became a total dick to Sandy when we were all chilling together. This was probably the beginning of his first toxic relationship although I really wasn’t trying to hurt him. I just get in over my head sometimes with the love situations. Anyways, Sandy never wanted to be with me and although she was then single she dated everyone around me but always expected me to be there when the chips were down. I was constantly in emotional pain. Because of this I made an ass out of myself several times as well.

So that was my first toxic love. I still love her dearly but that was seriously fucked and long story short I even quit doing to the college I was going to (for awhile) to stay in town to be her love puppet. We still never formally dated… She just stung me along and I ate it up like an idiot.

The next shitty ass relationship was so abusive I block this guy out of my mind most of the time. We’ll call him “The Emotional Rapist”. I know that’s pretty harsh since his abuse was purely mental and like the name states, “emotional” so we’ll abbreviate it down to “TER”.

TER was basically a really fat ugly dick face that I thought would be a distraction away from my current love issues with Sandy who never loved me back but took full advantage of my love and Tad who’s heart was totally broken because by then it come out about what all went on with Sandy. TER was a totally gross loser that I don’t even want to get into it about but I’ll make a list of the things he did to me:

a. He convinced me to have sex with him and fulfill his desires anyway (he was extremely violent sexually) he ever wanted but never returned the favor.
b. He convinced me I was “low rent and trashy” (he actually said just that several times) because I was a stripper, have crooked teeth and lived in a fucking APARTMENT and not a house.
c. He cheated on me several times while I never cheated on him and thus didn‘t deserve that shit.
d. He was in love with another girl the entire time he was dating me and threw me under the bridge in comparison to her every chance he got.
e. He stole my money out of my purse after I would come home from my trashy job that he hated so much.
f. He wanted to fuck my friends and asked me if could blatantly and most likely did (I Haven’t ever been able to prove that one incident) when I was out of town.
g. When I was out of town once I was in fact raped and when I told him about it he convinced me it was my fault and that I “wanted it” and thus I cheated on him. Then he called my grandmother and told her about it to embarrass me.
h. (This was the worst.) He convinced me to give him a blow job and then peed in my mouth while pretending to cum. Then he laughed at me for an hour straight (while I was crying) and told all of his friends about this making me look like a total fucking idiot... Not to mention him taking my awesome head skills for granted.

I really could go on and on about this guy. But I think that list above communicates his toxicness clearly without going any further. Don’t you think?

The next toxic relationship was with a guy that we’ll call Danny. I had been in love with Danny for several years and I was so excited to finally be hanging out with him and being apart of his world. I basically stole him from his then girlfriend who hated me because of my outright sexuality and because of the fact she was threatened by me. I was dating a really nice guy when Danny and I got together and cheated on him (the cool guy I was dating) to get with Danny. (Which is fine because he and I are now friends and it came out that he had cheated on me too with a friend of his which happened to be the same girl that TER held over my head as being more desirable than me the whole 2 years that we dated.) Boo!

Anyways, back to Danny. Danny and I had so much fun at first. We got drunk a LOT. But it all went sour when it became apparent that he was jealous of me and of the way I attracted people to me. I gave one of my best friends a birthday kiss and told Danny about it when he clocked me right in my face. This started a long stint of physical abuse that lasted about two years before it all erupted into me cheating on him massively and him going crazy over it and being hospitalized in the crazy house for a period of time.

Awesome right?

The last relationship that I was in that sucked balls was with a guy we’ll call Stan. Stan at first was so nice and did all kinds of sweet stuff for me. He never harassed me about being a stripper or made me feel second best… at least at first. Eventually he built up all of this animosity toward me because of his jealousy. My head ended up going through two windows at two separate times and I have two scars on my forehead to prove it. He claims that that was my fault because I “inspire” violence in men. We stayed together nearly 2 years and during the entire relationship he never once admitted to ANYONE that he was dating me and also talked about me behind my back telling people how big of a whore I was. Neato!

At this point I really strive to avoid asshats like these and I’m pretty sure my habits have changed for the better. But there is no way to tell until I get into my next relationship. I’ve been working on myself for a long time I’m feeling really good about myself lately and I refuse to let ANYONE bring me down. People might try in various ways, but I say, “fuck ‘em” and you should too. I hope everyone learned something from this entry… HINT, HINT! (You know who you are.)