Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Fuck You Andrew.

I just called Andrew's cell to hear his voice recording. I am so fucking angry at him. How can you just decide late one night you are going to just die? That life is just too much...

What about that cool ass dog that needs you? What about me never seeing you again? And everyone else? Who's going to stop by my house drunk as fuck at 3am after the bar kicks all the people out and sends them home? Who's going to give me a ride home after I've had too many and would have just passed out in an alley somewhere on my walk home? Who's going to bitch about the neo burlesque movement in Nashville and talk about how it's just for "big girls who need empowerment"?

I would get so mad at you sometimes.

Who's going to say I look like that damned actress in The Shining? ..Shelly Duval. You fucking asshole. You god damned prick.

How could you just fucking leave everyone to deal with your random/unnecessary death? Fuck you Andrew. I love you. You could have at least left me your awesome car and dog. I love that dirty ass car.

What could you have possibly been thinking?

I'd like to think this is all some fucking horrible joke you're pulling to quit your job or something and run away and start over somewhere. It just seems like in that stupid "goodbye note" you posted you weren't taking any of this seriously at all. It seems like the family members that are posting emo shit on your page are just going along with this prank to make it more believable. Well it's NOT funny Andrew.

Life is not a grain of salt. You should know. You're a scientist. You study life. There is no after life and you KNOW THAT. So what the fuck could you have possibly be thinking. Like dying would somehow be better than sticking it out? You could have quit your job if you hated it. You could have done anything you wanted with your background. People would kill for the opportunities and experiences you had in life.

Now who am I going to cry on and tell all of my secrets to? Who's going to watch Jeb if I have another stroke (since you offered and Steve is a bastard)? Who's going to be the only one dude I can rely on sitting with and shooting the shit with at the lamest bars in town?

You could have made it work Andrew. You just gave up too fucking soon. I'm glad I puked all over your work clothes that one night. I never took you to be this fucking stupid. But I guess now I know. When people end each day with an entire pitcher of amberboch and a couple of shots they are not okay.

I almost killed myself too on multiple occasions. I left good byes on my friends cell phones. I've slit my wrists, taken whole bottles of sleeping pills, sat around in the kitchen with the gas stove open and on high. I always failed to have the guts to really go through with it though and you know what? It got better. It really did.

Things may not be perfect. My hair is stupid, I'm over weight, I get depressed about stupid things, I never finished college and I feel like a failure for giving up on my dreams, I hate my job but I am changing all of it. You could have too. You were much smarter than I could ever be.

I promise to NEVER let myself get so down that I consider suicide ever again. I could never do this to the people around me, even the ones I hate. No one deserves this bullshit that you are putting all of us through.