Sunday, February 13, 2011

It Weighs On Me From Time To Time

I need to be writing more. I think I've started each blog post I've made in the last 4 years since I started my website (which will be 5 years old this coming fall...) with those words. It's depressing. I never seem to have time anymore for the little things that make me... ME. Painting, blogging, journaling in general, choreography, dance, random creative side projects or simply living a full day without being a slave to the interwebz....

Not to mention that fact that I feel like I'm constantly living this huge lie. I mean I am, I think. Well then again most women (please don't dig into me too deeply for this overly generalized opinion) are living lies. For instance my hair is not naturally straight or red. I have thick "ugly" curly black hair that dreads up way too easily. I actually had dreadlocks for a few years when i was younger. Back in the day when I didn't shave or give a shit if I wore too much glitter on my face. I was always ridiculed for my glittery cosmetic usage! Boooo!

Back to the lie I'm living... Oh yeah I have shrimp eyes that I try to make appear larger with the use of gob loads of mascara and I naturally (I get it from my momma) have huge black circles under both of my eyes which make people ask things like, "How'd you get that black eye?" or "Are you like exhausted or high or something? OPEN YOUR EYES!" This kind of shit makes me want to slit my wrists on a daily basis.

I hate to complain though. I am one of the very few women in this world that can live a very comfortable life off of my appearance and even do it without the help of those con-artist "modeling agencies" or "adult webmasters" that usually will take about 75% of a models income or MORE if she's extremely dull in the head and LET'S these guys fuck her over. I'm so lucky and yet I continue to question if what I'm doing really makes me "happy".

Of course the other side of my brain wants to interject that any person with almost ANY job be it sex work or cashiering at a grocery store is some kind of a whore. I even feel this way about so called "artists" who's sole purpose is to make something marketable and make lots of money off of their "creative" endeavours. This is why I have never and will never sell my paintings or other forms of artisthood.

Maybe I'm just a normal American trying to dodge trouble or unpleasantness from any and all directions. Maybe it's no different for a banker or janitor. Maybe I am just spoiled and I think this world owes me something. This world owes me an "easy street". I shouldn't have to work or constantly be behind on the never ending emails from website members, possible future members, cam johns and affiliates. I should feel lucky ANYONE is paying attention to me at all. I'm really nothing special. I'm just an online extrovert that was lucky enough to come onto the scene at the right time and smart enough to make them pay for it. However I just can't ignore the fact that I wish I could just paint all day, listen to books on tape, never have to explain how to access such and such spy cams or member shows to new members or be called "too fat" on camera by a stranger ever again.

I hate to admit it and validate all the negativity that surrounds my work (which is WORK in every since of the word it you were wondering if I'm just some lazy ass that takes her clothes off for "quick cash") but I'll just say it... This life is weighing on me. I don't want to have to answer to people every fucking day and get emails like, "WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING ME BITCH? I KNOW YOU'RE HOME! I SEE YOU ON YOUR GOD DAMN WHORE CAMS SITTING ON YOUR FAT ASS! I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO FIND THIS (one specific out of HUNDREDS, btw...) COCK TEASE VIDEO YOU MADE 4 FUCKING YEARS AGO ON YOUR SITE! I DIDN'T PAY $25 FOR YOUR STUPID BITCH ASS TO IGNORE ME YOU UGLY WHORE!" No joke... Real email. I added the shit in the quotations.