Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I have to start doing this again... Don't mind me?

From now on for the rest of my life I’m just going to do what I want, when I want.  I’ve tried other ways of living but they’re all too pressure filled & I refuse to live with so much stupid weight on my shoulders any longer.  It’s crushing me. Everything feels so serious & too busy for me.  Then things eventually start to pile up & become unbelievably unmanageable, at which time I shut down completely.  Or maybe I feel this way because my doctor took away my ADD medication?  I’m not sure but this is my 7th month into not being able to function at all.  It’s pretty depressing.  Sometimes I wonder how this all looks to the outside world?  Meh…

I’ve been obsessing lately about death and hoarding.  I’m a hoarder that obsesses about how, when & where I will die.  That’s pretty extraordinary if I may say so?  Maybe not.  I’ve also obviously been awfully self-doubting lately. I don’t have a true stance on much of anything.  Or maybe I have several and they’re all fighting for validity inside my brain?  That’s too overwhelming to think about as well right now.  I’ll try to remember to explore that later but let’s just be honest here… I’ll most likely forget.

Lately I’ve considered starting up a new secret life or two.  Not like anything based in betrayal or anything too negative in nature such as that, but instead just something entertaining.  I’m bored and it’s probably my fault.  I don’t do anything with myself.  I need to start up something or I’m going to become completely invisible and then I’ll die knowing I was unsuccessful at living a fulfilling life.  Gross.  I’d rather be a drug addict or a greasy homeless mime.

In the last few months I’ve tried to escape by attempting to become obsessed with yoga (again) and I even tried to get back into reading but nothing sticks.  I really enjoyed playing my clarinet & I think I’ll probably pick that up again as soon as I get my apartment straight so hopefully that will help.  I’d also like to reemerge myself in “DJing”.  It seems I haven’t had the attention span to do much of anything for a very long time.  I read that it takes about one full year to get back to regular productivity after quitting Adderall so I’m trying to be patient.

About getting the apartment clean… Why the fuck can’t I accomplish this simple task?  Normal people can manage living in & maintaining clean living spaces right?  It would certainly help with my attention issues if I could reside in a consistently clean living space.  I know all of this in THEORY but putting this all into action & keeping up with everything pertaining to this goal is another story.

A few days ago I went through my closet & completely gutted it out.  Because of that I now have several garbage bags of clothes in the middle of the living room floor so if anything I just made things worse.  I know for a fact I’ll never get those bags to any thrift stores (which is what I originally planned to do) & even if I had a ride to do that I couldn’t in good conscience give this pet hair covered clothing away.  They wouldn’t wash it. They’d just probably throw it away, right? That’s what I’ll probably end up doing myself if I can’t get any friends to take the stuff.  There’s some pretty sweet stuff I’m trying to get rid of too… Things I’ve recently given up on ever fitting into like some gold heeled gladiator sandals and white thigh high leather hooker boots.  Even at 110 lbs my legs/calves are ALWAYS way too huge to fit in anything that has to go up around them.

Um okay bye.  I’ll keep you updated on my psychosis?  Actually I have to do this.  I need to write more so I can figure myself out.  It’s like therapy or something.  I doubt anyone will actually read all of this entry.  I know I wouldn’t but then again… The ADD.  Stay tuned!


DPhZ said...

It takes a great deal strength to maintain your camming as regularly as you do and keep telling your own story regardless of who's listening. You're much more productive than I am and you have twice the number of underlying issues to deal with, it seems.

"Procrastinate like there's no tomorrow."
...Is another on a long line of failed attempts at tricking myself into getting things done.

I have no idea if it'll work.
I should be working right now, but helping people takes priority in my mind.
(Grrr... I should really be helping myself too.)

Anonymous said...

I honestly think you'll be ok. Stay consistent in whatever tasks, ideas, solutions you come up with and IMO all should work out. You seem to to be smart and intuitive, so I'm thinking that if you keep on pushing to be the person you want to be, all will be good. Take Care.

Thomas0878 said...

I read that entire blog entry and I can say that life is hard for everyone. Some are in complete denial about that simple statement. But, it's true.

You are a good person, Jessa. Don't ever lose sight of that. One cannot go through life without some help... Whether it is in the medical or talk therapy sense, guidance from friends or loved ones, or any other way.

Just try and handle only what you can at any given time and leave the rest for later. Baby steps toward progress. Things may not get done today, but they eventually will get completed.

Hang in there and I know that I will be there to support you in any way I can, okay? You have me as a friend on Twitter and email.

Best of luck! :-)

Unknown said...

"I Have your back Always Jess. Your not alone. Your Fans are hear for you((Hugs))"