Wednesday, November 28, 2012

My brain won't shut up long enough for me to accomplish anything.

I'm reading this book right now and it's seriously so great. It's both funny & sad and reminds me of me. You can't beat that in a book! ;) Thank you Toddzilla for sending it to me from my book wishlist!

Every time I utter, “I've been depressed since May.” I feel like I am reinforcing the magical power that this bullshit depression has over me right now. Is that an irrational fear?

I dwell on things like; I really want to eat all of the delicious carbs in the world and color my hair pastel purple and blue (with a few bright primary blue pieces here and there) but I'm scared that doing that will make me less marketable. The market likes petite, bronzed and blonde beauties which I can be/portray with a little work. That work just seems like it's WAY too hard to handle right now though?

I had been eating so clean for over a year and now for the last 4 months, since I had my blessed Adderall ripped from my speed loving clutches, all I can DO is eat carbs. I dream about them nonstop. I feel like such a fucking failure at life and at being a sexy MARKETABLE model. :(

As you can see, drama is my forte. But all jokes aside, I am seriously in hell right now & it sucks that I seem to WANT TO purposely sabotage my efforts to fit in with the other pretty blonde web girlies/solo models/cam girls because in a way it's somewhat pleasing to rebel away from what is a silly unfeminist and sick-society driven esthetic. My internal “moral” debate is never ending.

I'm SUPPOSED to editing the music for my burlesque routine that I'm SUPPOSED to perform at a prestigious local event called, The Holiday PinUp Party this Saturday.

There will be all of these hot uppity (well-groomed) women there with their rich husbands and tawny aerobicized asses. I can just imagine them talking about me to each other while I'm performing.

“Have you heard, she does PORN!?”

“For someone that makes their living being nude, her body sure is sloppy and unappealing.”

“I bet she lives on frozen pizza and snack cakes like the poor people do.”

“It's so unfortunate she's that fat. She'd be so much more attractive if she were thin.”

“Why does she have that crooked tooth? You'd think with her being willing to degrade herself in PORN, she'd make enough money to 'GET HER TEETH FIXED'”

I hate that phrase. My teeth don't need fixing, as they work fine. And if you must know, I don't get them “fixed” because I need to spend all of my hard earned cash on over priced beauty products and treatments so I can be marketable and continue to make good money so I can afford that silly shit. Duh! It's an endless cycle of self-loathing and consumerism.

This might all very well be only happening in my head? The attendees of this event might be just as confused and lost in their own lives as I am but that's just not how those people exist in my little world. They are somehow better than me and they will see all of my flaws and laugh. ALL OF THEM.

Also, I'm probably frustrating the piss out of the leader of my burlesque troupe right now. With all the missed practices and the fact that my music isn't even cut and given to her yet. I'm also supposed to write some sort of intro for myself and my act...

I hate seeming so flaky. Well, BEING so flaky. I really don't mean to do it. It's all my brains fault. It gets the best of me and throws a wrench in almost all of my plans. There's always something... I need to relax and just take life as it comes or I'm going to give myself a heart attack by the time I turn 30. But I can't? 

Plus, everything is driving me absolutely nuts right now. People talking to me, needing stuff from me, insisting I do this or that (for them) or just EXISTING IN THE SAME SPACE THAT I CURRENTLY INHABIT. My nerves aren't just on edge, they're completely exposed. Instead of working on my burlesque routine or trying to find, download and cut my music I'm writing this blog post to work off some steam. A completely unproductive display of narcissism.

I texted my friend Sarah to tell her I'm having a minor nervous breakdown that's crippling me from accomplishing anything and ask her for help, but when she texted me back I turned into a pitiful coward. She's so smart and has it so amazingly together, I'd just feel like an idiot whining to her about how hard my life is... You know, with the stripping (burlesque), being naked online for pay, obsessing over food, being a self-sabotaging fat ass, and needing to color my inconvenient black roots and all.

This is ridiculous. Why do I get like this when there is one special thing that I need to do? It's what I WANT TO do. Burlesque is supposed to be fun, right? Then why do I hate it so much? I fret over my performances until I can't think straight. I am literally afraid of performing this Saturday. I'll hear what negative thoughts everyone in the audience will think of me and I won't be able to block any of it out.

I'm so resentful toward people that want to get close to me when I'm so on edge like this. I want to be alone to figure out what things I'm supposed to do and in what order to complete these tasks so I'll be able to do the best performance I possibly can on Saturday and appear to be the thinnest I'm capable of looking, of course.

I don't even want to check the scale right now. I know it's not a pretty sight. I'm back up to 150lb, at LEAST. AFTER ALL OF THAT WORK, that number is so completely devastating to me. Weak. That's what I am. I'm such a weakling when it comes to food and exercise. I wish I could just wear a cardboard box for the rest of my life so no one could see the unpleasant results of my weakness. If only that box had a nice cocktail bar inside it, that would be tops!

Sometimes I want to quit my job so I don't have to worry about my body anymore and I can be free to do yoga, dance, paint, write and read all day every day. But I'd have to win the lottery and be independently wealthy to do that, which sadly isn't going to happen. /:

So anyhow, if you wanna go to this event where my chubby ass is going to be performing drunken burlesque half naked, here's the flier so you can find your way... See you Saturday? ;)


Atheist Pilgrim said...

Call your friend Sarah and open up to her. If she's truly your friend she's not going to judge you for the fact you're having a hard time, and won't look down on you for your career and lifestyle decisions. If not maybe try a counselor. But its obvious you need to talk to someone who can physically be there for you, not just vent online. There are a lot of negative things you said about yourself in this blog post that just aren't healthy to dwell on. You've got a good mind and a good heart; don't let yourself waste them on doubt and self-loathing or trying to be what others think you should be.

UndressJess said...

I by no means thought that Sarah would judge me for my career or lifestyle. There isn't anything wrong with my career or lifestyle. I simply didn't want to bore her with my "problems" because they could just be seen as sheer laziness. She probably won't understand my anxieties and how much they truly effect me. I see a therapist. I saw her yesterday. ;)

Anonymous said...

So, you're feeling potentially judged due to working in porn, or because you're overweight. If it wasn't those two things, it would be any number of others, wouldn't it? People will judge you because you're Jewish, or black, or because your musical taste is poor, or you eat meat and condone murdering animals, and so on, endlessly.

No matter what you do, there will be some people who don't like you. That's entirely beyond your control. But you can certainly control your reaction to it.

UndressJess said...
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UndressJess said...
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UndressJess said...

Wow Johnny. No I don't think you get it. I am NOT overweight at all. Have you ever even seen me? THAT is all in my head. I struggle from body dysmorphia and have since I was a little girl.

Also I don't FEEL judged by my chosen profession, I HAVE BEEN judged because of it. My last burlesque troupe threw me out because of it saying that they didn't want to be connected to porn in anyway even though they are all stippers and drag queens themselves. There are several other countless occurrences where I was judged due to this directly in front of me, to my face. It leaves a mark.

Everything you keep saying on here always seems to have an underlying insult. Please stop while you're ahead.

I think you're TRYING to be positive or helpful but you're really just agitating me & pissing me off. Stop?