Every time I utter, “I've been
depressed since May.” I feel like I am reinforcing the magical
power that this bullshit depression has over me right now. Is that
an irrational fear?
I dwell on things like; I really want
to eat all of the delicious carbs in the world and color my hair
pastel purple and blue (with a few bright primary blue pieces here
and there) but I'm scared that doing that will make me less
marketable. The market likes petite, bronzed and blonde beauties
which I can be/portray with a little work. That work just seems like
it's WAY too hard to handle right now though?
I had been eating so clean for over a
year and now for the last 4 months, since I had my blessed Adderall
ripped from my speed loving clutches, all I can DO is eat carbs. I
dream about them nonstop. I feel like such a fucking failure at life
and at being a sexy MARKETABLE model. :(
As you can see, drama is my forte. But
all jokes aside, I am seriously in hell right now & it sucks that
I seem to WANT TO purposely sabotage my efforts to fit in with the
other pretty blonde web girlies/solo models/cam girls because in a
way it's somewhat pleasing to rebel away from what is a silly
unfeminist and sick-society driven esthetic. My internal “moral”
debate is never ending.
I'm SUPPOSED to editing the music for
my burlesque routine that I'm SUPPOSED to perform at a prestigious
local event called, The Holiday PinUp Party this Saturday.
There will be all of these hot uppity
(well-groomed) women there with their rich husbands and tawny
aerobicized asses. I can just imagine them talking about me to
each other while I'm performing.
“Have you heard, she does PORN!?”
“For someone that makes their
living being nude, her body sure is sloppy and unappealing.”
“I bet she lives on frozen pizza
and snack cakes like the poor people do.”
“It's so unfortunate she's that
fat. She'd be so much more attractive if she were thin.”
“Why does she have that crooked
tooth? You'd think with her being willing to degrade herself in
PORN, she'd make enough money to 'GET HER TEETH FIXED'”
I hate that phrase. My teeth don't
need fixing, as they work fine. And if you must know, I don't get
them “fixed” because I need to spend all of my hard earned cash
on over priced beauty products and treatments so I can be marketable
and continue to make good money so I can afford that silly shit.
Duh! It's an endless cycle of self-loathing and consumerism.
This might all very well be only
happening in my head? The attendees of this event might be just as
confused and lost in their own lives as I am but that's just not how
those people exist in my little world. They are somehow better than
me and they will see all of my flaws and laugh. ALL OF THEM.
Also, I'm probably frustrating the
piss out of the leader of my burlesque troupe right now. With all
the missed practices and the fact that my music isn't even cut and
given to her yet. I'm also supposed to write some sort of intro for
myself and my act...
I hate seeming so flaky. Well,
BEING so flaky. I really don't mean to do it. It's all my brains
fault. It gets the best of me and throws a wrench in almost all of
my plans. There's always something... I need to relax and just take
life as it comes or I'm going to give myself a heart attack by the
time I turn 30. But I can't?
Plus, everything is driving me absolutely nuts right now. People talking to me, needing stuff from me, insisting I do this or that (for them) or just EXISTING IN THE SAME SPACE THAT I CURRENTLY INHABIT. My nerves aren't just on edge, they're completely exposed. Instead of working on my burlesque routine or trying to find, download and cut my music I'm writing this blog post to work off some steam. A completely unproductive display of narcissism.
I texted my friend Sarah to tell her
I'm having a minor nervous breakdown that's crippling me from
accomplishing anything and ask her for help, but when she texted me
back I turned into a pitiful coward. She's so smart and has it so
amazingly together, I'd just feel like an idiot whining to her about
how hard my life is... You know, with the stripping (burlesque),
being naked online for pay, obsessing over food, being a
self-sabotaging fat ass, and needing to color my inconvenient black
roots and all.
This is ridiculous. Why do I get like
this when there is one special thing that I need to do? It's what I
WANT TO do. Burlesque is supposed to be fun, right? Then why do I
hate it so much? I fret over my performances until I can't think
straight. I am literally afraid of performing this Saturday. I'll
hear what negative thoughts everyone in the audience will think of me
and I won't be able to block any of it out.
I'm so resentful toward people that
want to get close to me when I'm so on edge like this. I want to be
alone to figure out what things I'm supposed to do and in what order
to complete these tasks so I'll be able to do the best performance I
possibly can on Saturday and appear to be the thinnest I'm capable of
looking, of course.
I don't even want to check the scale
right now. I know it's not a pretty sight. I'm back up to 150lb, at
LEAST. AFTER ALL OF THAT WORK, that number is so completely
devastating to me. Weak. That's what I am. I'm such a weakling
when it comes to food and exercise. I wish I could just wear a
cardboard box for the rest of my life so no one could see the
unpleasant results of my weakness. If only that box had a nice
cocktail bar inside it, that would be tops!
Sometimes I want to quit my job so I
don't have to worry about my body anymore and I can be free to do
yoga, dance, paint, write and read all day every day. But I'd have to
win the lottery and be independently wealthy to do that, which sadly
isn't going to happen. /:
So anyhow, if you wanna go to this
event where my chubby ass is going to be performing drunken burlesque
half naked, here's the flier so you can find your way... See you
Saturday? ;)
6 comments:
Call your friend Sarah and open up to her. If she's truly your friend she's not going to judge you for the fact you're having a hard time, and won't look down on you for your career and lifestyle decisions. If not maybe try a counselor. But its obvious you need to talk to someone who can physically be there for you, not just vent online. There are a lot of negative things you said about yourself in this blog post that just aren't healthy to dwell on. You've got a good mind and a good heart; don't let yourself waste them on doubt and self-loathing or trying to be what others think you should be.
I by no means thought that Sarah would judge me for my career or lifestyle. There isn't anything wrong with my career or lifestyle. I simply didn't want to bore her with my "problems" because they could just be seen as sheer laziness. She probably won't understand my anxieties and how much they truly effect me. I see a therapist. I saw her yesterday. ;)
So, you're feeling potentially judged due to working in porn, or because you're overweight. If it wasn't those two things, it would be any number of others, wouldn't it? People will judge you because you're Jewish, or black, or because your musical taste is poor, or you eat meat and condone murdering animals, and so on, endlessly.
No matter what you do, there will be some people who don't like you. That's entirely beyond your control. But you can certainly control your reaction to it.
Wow Johnny. No I don't think you get it. I am NOT overweight at all. Have you ever even seen me? THAT is all in my head. I struggle from body dysmorphia and have since I was a little girl.
Also I don't FEEL judged by my chosen profession, I HAVE BEEN judged because of it. My last burlesque troupe threw me out because of it saying that they didn't want to be connected to porn in anyway even though they are all stippers and drag queens themselves. There are several other countless occurrences where I was judged due to this directly in front of me, to my face. It leaves a mark.
Everything you keep saying on here always seems to have an underlying insult. Please stop while you're ahead.
I think you're TRYING to be positive or helpful but you're really just agitating me & pissing me off. Stop?
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