Monday, June 7, 2010

Booo Juice.

I can’t do anything today. I’ve decided that. I have so much shit on my mind, I’m bleeding and I just want to stay in bed. Why do I have to feel so fucking terribly unattractive ALL THE TIME? I really need to update the photos on my website and edit a shakinit video but I just can’t stand to look at myself in any fashion right now. Go ahead and laugh if you want and make fun of me but I swear I’m so depressed about gaining weight that I could seriously just crawl into a ball and die.

I’ve considered fucking totally insane ways to try to loose it including thinking of starting a meth habit to speed up the weight loss process. That’s completely irrational and unlike me to even BEGIN to consider some thing that fucking retarded. Don’t worry this will not happen as it just popped in my mind randomly and it’s humiliating as fucking to even admit here.

When I go anywhere I feel like I’m wearing some kind of fat costume to disguise myself or something. I’m disgusted with myself for allowing this to go on for so long and I just kept letting it get worse and worse and I don’t even know HOW it happened. I haven’t been really eating anymore than normal or doing any less physical activity then I was doing/getting last year when I weighed 120lbs.

On top of all of this I am participating in activities that involve putting myself on display such as making porn, performing in a burlesque show on Sunday, doing member shows, dating someone new, and I’m about to have a show singing in a band on stage and in front of everyone I know (you better be there!). It got so bad that I even decided today not to go to a porn convention in Vegas after having the plane tickets bought and hotel reservations paid.

I just can’t be seen like this. It’s horrendous and I’ve even lost 10 fucking lbs. I don’t see how anyone could find me attractive right now and I want to hide out until the situation has changed. I’m totally working on it and seeing results but I still can’t seem to solve the issue after trying multiple times before it got up to 180lbs (I’m 170lbs now).

What’s even more confusing is that after losing some of the weight I am developing these crazy dark red/purple stretch marks all over my hideously chunky body.

I used to have like the hottest body fucking ever and I never even enjoyed it because even at 110lbs I always thought I could stand to thin down a bit more. I had so much fucking sex because it felt awesome to unabashedly be worshiped for how hot I was while fucking. Now I don’t even want to take off my shirt when I fuck and I wouldn’t mind wearing a mask to hide the disapproval of my personal appearance.

I don’t see how anyone in their right mind could find me attractive to look at or to enjoy being with in a sexual manner. I feel lost, angry and confused by my body’s betrayal.. People are harassing me in my member shows about my weight and saying how ugly I look but I don’t feel like putting much effort into trying to do my awesome hair extensions or paint my face all pretty when it just won’t help to hide the way my body has changed or how I feel about it.

It was getting to be too much and I needed to vent. The end.