Friday, June 3, 2011

The Truth Behind My Heartache

It seems like the more people get to know me the less they like me. Probably because I am bi-polar and also suffer from borderline personality disorder. Because of this I sometimes I lash out and hurt people around me due to my own insecurities. I'm crazy, to put it simply. I always have been but now I have yet another thing to be insecure about... Sometimes I don't form sentences correctly and if you saw how often I have to use spell check now I think you would be shocked. It's like I have become dyslexic because of a fucking stroke.

I always have been insecure about the way I look but I was always proud of my intelligence. But now I feel like I don't even have that. Also it really gets to me after awhile being "out there" in the public eye like I am. Like everyone knows me within my industry (and for sure in this town) but not a lot of people actually like me. Whether it's because of what I do, how I do it or things I have done I constantly have hatred thrown my way.

At first it never bothered me because it was always the older people that "didn't understand" the way the world was changing but now it's my peers. Everyone that pretended to be so open minded 5 years ago has turned into their parents.

I heard from someone that when I had my stroke there was a line of text messages sent from person to person in town (of people I didn't even hardly know) saying that I was dying from a fucking cocaine overdose because once someone heard I did cocaine like 2 years before that. They thought it was sooooo funny I was in the hospital finally for something I was into years before. Why do I deserve that kind of behind my back bullshit? I had a stroke because of Yaz birth control and also most likely because of the way it reacted to other psychological medicines I was on. Point blank.

I walk into bars or the mall and hear people whispering about me. Whether it's because they are talking about my job or the fact that I gained weight (but have been steadily losing it again thankfully!) or that I nearly died from a random stroke someone is always talking about me when I go anywhere.

Once I went up to this girl to compliment her on her blonde hair at the bar. I was telling her how I always wanted to have my hair that blonde and we got to talking about hair extensions and you know just stuff I'm interested in... Well then some random dude she was with kept giving me weird looks and tried to pull her away from me. When she told him to stop he told her while staring at me in the face, "I don't want you associating with whore trash." I should have knocked him in the face but I was completely taken by surprise that someone within my peer group would honestly say something like that when he most likely was or has been a member of my website at some point.

I'm just constantly having this inner battle with myself. To stay in the game I'm in as far as work goes I can not age, gain or lose weight, change my appearance, cease to wear make-up or share my thoughts on issues that I feel are important to me (like I used to with my old blog that started this whole "web celebrity" business in the first place) or I will upset someone in my fan base.

I always thought if I ever had any fame at all (which is what this is on an obviously smaller scale than say, Paris Hilton who I think is HILARIOUS) I would use out to speak the truth and make an example for girls that feel like they are under me whether in age, status or whatever false bullshit society has told them to believe in. I am constantly angry at myself for this.

I am an image that does not exist. I am the eternally youthful girl (who looks older now than I am probably due to self-inflicted stress), who has to look like my attractiveness is effortless (when in actuality I spend A LOT of time and money on magic creams, hair color, self tanner and make-up to keep up this look...), a fun-loving overly sexually active slut (and I've only had a handful of boyfriends ever and have had more sex with women than I ever have had with men and pretty much consider myself gay) who wants nothing else but to skimp around in tiny little things to tease the pants off of men (when I have never thought of myself as attractive AT ALL and have always hated my body).

It's just slowly killing the real me inside or at least the way I am looking at this situation is... This all started out as a "project". I got a spray on tan, dyed my naturally curly black hair blonde and straightened the fuck out of it and starved myself for awhile and took some pictures to see if they would get a different reaction from the ones (still sexy in my opinion but of a weird looking pale version of me with dark nappy hair) I had posted before on my old blog. Well people did react differently and started wanting to pay me for more and more. Now here I am with no other real skills and I'm getting tired of playing the part. It's just not me. You know?

I'm a singer, dancer, performance artist, studio artist, activist, DJ (this is new this year of course), an adept witch and writer. Don't ever berate me and say I'm a "cam girl" because although it's a part of what I do it's probably the smallest part of who I really am. I'm the illusionist.


Bella Bellini said...

It was brave to post that blog and I love you for it. You're braver than me, so thank you for that.

Trixie Fontaine said...

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to adequately thank & hug you for this intense post.

One small maybe not-helpful thing I can say is that what people say amongst themselves, especially behind our backs, usually has nothing to do with us and is a way for people to bond with each other. It sucks, and I've done it myself.

Even suckier is when people feel okay saying abusive shit to your face and have no remorse because of what you do and people are taught that it's perfectly acceptable to openly condemn & abuse people like us, and then to have less non-judgmental support on top of the isolation & dysmorphic effects on your identity of manipulating your persona(s) and the shapes of who you are.

Anyway, I am wishing for you to have emotional safety, strength and all the best!

AmbientMagic said...

I know you're not a "cam girl" but this one here (me) will certainly support you. Sometimes you just cant do anything right. You will piss off one group or the other. The way i see, Fuck those dudes that trash you like that. You don't want people like that around you anyways. Live life the way you want it, when you want it, and how you want it. Life is too short. "No regrets" i say

Anonymous said...

Working in the sex industry can be a very empowering thing and a very degrading thing at the same time. Thank you for sharing and don't let anyone else get you down. This tyoe of honesty is what the world needs.

Gentleman said...

Hey Jess,

I appreciate your honesty. I've bought a show from you before and I loved every minute of it. I'm still a big fan of yours and to your credit, yes you make it look effortless.

We tend (males) to forget that there are real people under that facade we get to look at.

I personally appreciate that you are so honest about everything.

I'm thinking about entering the sex industry myself through video and camming. My wife and I have already made the videos, got the merchant account, and made the website.

I've not promoted it (even though I can, I'm an internet marketer by trade) because of what it means and what I might have to be to promote it.

So I appreciate the real dose of reality here.

In the end, I'd like to say your gorgeous in my eyes. And to be honest, I love a girl who isn't afraid to be outside of her make up in front of me. My wife barely wears any at any time. She's still the most beautiful girl I've laid eyes on. (You gotta back your loved ones up).

So keep your head up. Your smart, funny, gorgeous and worth a lot more than just what you do for money.


rkphotography said...

If you just be yourself, you have nothing to apologize for.

One thing I've learned in life is that people will come & go. The ones that accept you just for who you are & not what they think about you, will stay in your life for as long as they can. If not longer.

Many people do support you, but most you will never meet. You if enjoy what you do, and you have fun doing it, that's all that matters. Don't worry about what people say to you or about you. They may want what you have or they may want to be able to do what you do, and are too scare to do it?

Live life on your terms! Not someone elses! It sure looks like you enjoy it & are having fun! I say do it for as long as you can! You're not only beautiful on the outside, but inside too for informing your followers about your health. Kudos girl!

I'm a photographer & videographer for 3 females. All in different age groups from mid-20's, late 30's & early 50's! I've met all 3 on-line, and got into the topic of web-caming & sexy photo & video shoots. I've watched all 3 blossom and excel in this field from shy in-secure nervious girls! They are having more fun now than they did 2 years ago.

They don't listen to what others say. But they do ask their friends what they think about this or that, and we shoot it. Listen to those that are the closest to you & value their opinions. Then go have fun! Deal with life as it comes, and don't worry about things you can't control.

You're inteligent, you can deal.

Have a great day/afternoon/night Jess! But most of all..."Enjoy The Ride!!!