I'm never had much luck as a
participant in group or partner activities of any kind. That might
include sleeping next to someone else? I just woke up at 4am, which
was an hour and a half ago. Of course now I can't get back to bed
due to your stupid laptop that I bought you with the money that I
sold my soul to make. I tried to waste time on my phone scouring the
internet but phone reception is terrible in my apartment and the
wireless connection that it's linked into is down. My ISP is
horrible. I wish I could move out of town sometimes just so I could
have a more reliable connection to the fucking internet. That's sad.
I take out my aggression on you
because right now, you represent to me everything I hate about
myself. Stagnant and boring. You're like a old broken down machine,
like me. I feel like you ridicule me for breaking down. I just
can't do anything anymore so I can't change your opinion of me. I
can't sleep when I'm supposed to or get things done around the
apartment. The apartment is in shambles. Always so messy. Is it
true that a person can break down permanently? I guess I should have
seen it coming after my stroke. I really hate blaming things on that
god damned stroke but I just don't seem as capable now. No doctor
really cares. There are no medicines that can patch me up any
longer. I am broken.
Oh I have my health, though. Isn't
that wonderful? I'm eternally scarred and scared of dying at any
second but at least I'm physically healthy. I have a sickness that
you can not see. Nothing is satisfying. I'm a split between a
perfectionist and a slacker. I'd rather do nothing at all if it
can't be perfect and I've finally accepted that nothing can be
perfect. Everything seems like too big of a task to even just
imagine that I might be able to complete. Do you know how that feels
at all? It's impossible. It makes me need to drop out of life
completely. One more step forward and I would have exploded all over
everything and you would have had to clean me up. I wonder sometimes
if that's normal? If being that stressed out about tiny things like
I was is just how the world operates? Maybe I'm just a big fucking
baby slacker that needs her ass wiped for her after she shits. I
want so much to just “snap out of it” but I simply can't find my
way out of this mess.
So I eat too much and cry too often.
Maybe my brain has just shut down for the rest of my life and I can
just go on disability. However that just brings me back to my issue
with having an invisible illness. I feel like such a failure.
Everything seemed to be going so well? No, it was never okay. I was
always on the verge of exploding out all over my “work” and
falling apart from the inside out. No one can help me and no one
even wants to. Well, they might desire to help or want to see me
better but they don't have the time. It feels like the only way to
survive sometimes is to walk away from absolutely everything and
start over fresh. Maybe I should move? I can't. I can't leave my
grandma or my dog. Ha! It's hard to travel with a dog.
The things all over my house need to
just go. I wish my apartment was empty. Then I could breathe.
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