Friday, July 31, 2009
Again with the OutKast...
Remember you can see this whole video of me masturbating with my hands IN my panties on:
http://undressjess.shakinit.com/
And as always the GOOD GOOD stuff with the dirty porn type stuff is always on good old:
http://www.undressjess.com
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Gutter of a Rut.
I just heard at least 2 of my computers restart from where I am at here in the back of the apartment which means spy cams are down, but right now I am hiding too well to come out to see about them.
I am sitting and typing on my tiny netbook in the dark of my bedroom. I feel so “fifteen”.
I can’t seem to fall asleep without being piss drunk and so I am just waiting for the 4 melatonin pills I just took to slip into effect.
I can’t wait.
I’ve been a little productive so far this week which was a major change in my recent behavior so I guess I can be proud of that. But I still never seem to be caught up.
There is always more that needs to be done. And if I got the most important tasks done on my to do list they would just generate more “to do’s” in the long run. So maybe just doing the bare minimum is more genius then I originally imagined.
Sometimes (what am I talking about? ALL THE TIME…) I miss being the irresponsible drunk drug addict that I was during the time period of my nervous breakdown. I never had any money or anything to show for myself except that I could always find the drugs and free alcohol in the lamest of places. Places you would think church ladies frequent. Yeah I was good at sniffing out the goods, literally.
But now the “party life” is no longer my inspiration to rise and fall with the days and nights. Instead I challenge myself in business ventures and with interior design ideas. Have I grownup or just healed? And what good is being whole if your are still always feeling half empty? Like there is something else I wish I were doing… As if I wish I weren’t “feeling” and instead I were laughing and smiling coldly with a drink in my hand and a straw up my nose like good old Laura Palmer.
I romanticized my sickness…my addiction. Now even if I partake of the evils I have grown to avoid for so long I never get as high or drunk as I once could. I am not in that sick sad daze that I was living in back then. Now I scold myself for doing these things and wasting time and money instead of doing my “real work” like I should be doing. I have become a bore.
A non-resting but always sleeping echo of the maniac I used to be. Has my medication made me this way or was it a conscious change that I chose to make?
I try to remind myself I can’t live life like I’m not afraid of dying because before too long I will actually expire… But what good was I anyhow? What did I bring? What was my passion? What reason would anyone remember my name?
I’m feeling a bit stuck in a rut and not even in a bad one as you can see or hear I am doing quite well. I have challenged myself into attaining success! What is there to earn now? More? I’m not really that type of person. I have everything I want and need and I don’t really want more than that… So doing the bare minimum at this point is technically enough. Though it could all be gone with a whistle and shimmy, and I try to remember that at all times.
So what’s next? There should always be a next. There is a “next” on my to do list, sure… But there is no next in my life goals. Not really anyways. I need to get back to the core of things. The positive gold in life that used to get me going. I just feel like after getting through all that hell, I forgot what it is I was trying to get at in the first place.
I am sitting and typing on my tiny netbook in the dark of my bedroom. I feel so “fifteen”.
I can’t seem to fall asleep without being piss drunk and so I am just waiting for the 4 melatonin pills I just took to slip into effect.
I can’t wait.
I’ve been a little productive so far this week which was a major change in my recent behavior so I guess I can be proud of that. But I still never seem to be caught up.
There is always more that needs to be done. And if I got the most important tasks done on my to do list they would just generate more “to do’s” in the long run. So maybe just doing the bare minimum is more genius then I originally imagined.
Sometimes (what am I talking about? ALL THE TIME…) I miss being the irresponsible drunk drug addict that I was during the time period of my nervous breakdown. I never had any money or anything to show for myself except that I could always find the drugs and free alcohol in the lamest of places. Places you would think church ladies frequent. Yeah I was good at sniffing out the goods, literally.
But now the “party life” is no longer my inspiration to rise and fall with the days and nights. Instead I challenge myself in business ventures and with interior design ideas. Have I grownup or just healed? And what good is being whole if your are still always feeling half empty? Like there is something else I wish I were doing… As if I wish I weren’t “feeling” and instead I were laughing and smiling coldly with a drink in my hand and a straw up my nose like good old Laura Palmer.
I romanticized my sickness…my addiction. Now even if I partake of the evils I have grown to avoid for so long I never get as high or drunk as I once could. I am not in that sick sad daze that I was living in back then. Now I scold myself for doing these things and wasting time and money instead of doing my “real work” like I should be doing. I have become a bore.
A non-resting but always sleeping echo of the maniac I used to be. Has my medication made me this way or was it a conscious change that I chose to make?
I try to remind myself I can’t live life like I’m not afraid of dying because before too long I will actually expire… But what good was I anyhow? What did I bring? What was my passion? What reason would anyone remember my name?
I’m feeling a bit stuck in a rut and not even in a bad one as you can see or hear I am doing quite well. I have challenged myself into attaining success! What is there to earn now? More? I’m not really that type of person. I have everything I want and need and I don’t really want more than that… So doing the bare minimum at this point is technically enough. Though it could all be gone with a whistle and shimmy, and I try to remember that at all times.
So what’s next? There should always be a next. There is a “next” on my to do list, sure… But there is no next in my life goals. Not really anyways. I need to get back to the core of things. The positive gold in life that used to get me going. I just feel like after getting through all that hell, I forgot what it is I was trying to get at in the first place.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
This is my newest favoritest set on undressjess.com yet!
I really LOVE this set! I loved fucking taking it and making a huge mess and it's the largest set I have to date on undressjess.com!
I usually do smaller sets... I dunno maybe I just get bored with just one theme? But this was a set I had envisioned for months before finally getting to shoot it. Mike (my photographer) and I got drunk and has some really great conversations while taking this and usually we just shoot poses but he just shot away the whole time I was painting and I think it made well for some great candid type images.
This was a set I dedicated to my photographer friend Scott Gerth who passed away from cancer. he was also a great friend of Mike and really how I found Mike as a photographer and friend in the first place!
I hope you enjoy this HUGE awesome set. It's made up of over 180 images!
I usually do smaller sets... I dunno maybe I just get bored with just one theme? But this was a set I had envisioned for months before finally getting to shoot it. Mike (my photographer) and I got drunk and has some really great conversations while taking this and usually we just shoot poses but he just shot away the whole time I was painting and I think it made well for some great candid type images.
This was a set I dedicated to my photographer friend Scott Gerth who passed away from cancer. he was also a great friend of Mike and really how I found Mike as a photographer and friend in the first place!
I hope you enjoy this HUGE awesome set. It's made up of over 180 images!
Monday, July 27, 2009
I've been down and out.
I have no fucking clue what the hell was my problem today. First of all I slept all fucking day and didn't get to go and take my grandma out to eat and shop with the winning from that shakinit.com contest I participated in. She didn't show up here until 3pm anyways and that wouldn't have gave us much time to do much anyways. I am going to make a MONSTER of an effort to get up at noon tomorrow and possibly harass her into being here and ready by 1pm so we can have a good time. I also need to stop down at the clinic and order my damn seroquel so I can fucking sleep when I want to again... meaning at night.
Near the time I was SUPPOSED to do my members show tonight I had some type of attack and sat and cried in my kitchen for awhile. I called everyone I knew even people I am not sure care for me all that much trying to find someone to fucking listen to me and care. Dawn talked me down out of my nutty mood and Mo ended up coming over and played wii cheer for awhile with me. “See!”, I tell myself... “I have friends!”
I posted 2 videos on my clips4sale page today...
http://www.clips4sale.com/store/17142
Both of which are the two most recent updates from my shakinit.com page.
http://undressjess.shakinit.com/
One is this little booty popping strip tease in fabulous 3D. I flipping love that 3D cam but I can't find the damn thing anywhere right now, though I have a feeling it's probably shoved under my bed somewhere...
The other video is my belly dance effort. I am actually really interested and always have been in belly dance. Of course I have never taken a class and I have no fucking clue what I am doing here, but I think I gave it a good try:
I actually even blew 100 bucks ordering different “how to” belly dance dvd's from amazon tonight. I figured shopping might cheer me up a little plus you know being active is usually a good idea when trying to combat the blues. Ha, maybe if I get pretty good I will make more belly dance videos! I don't know if people are interested in that but it IS listed as a fetish category on clips4sale!
Anyways, I am going to lay in bed and hope I fall asleep now so I can hopefully wake up at a decent time tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Near the time I was SUPPOSED to do my members show tonight I had some type of attack and sat and cried in my kitchen for awhile. I called everyone I knew even people I am not sure care for me all that much trying to find someone to fucking listen to me and care. Dawn talked me down out of my nutty mood and Mo ended up coming over and played wii cheer for awhile with me. “See!”, I tell myself... “I have friends!”
I posted 2 videos on my clips4sale page today...
http://www.clips4sale.com/store/17142
Both of which are the two most recent updates from my shakinit.com page.
http://undressjess.shakinit.com/
One is this little booty popping strip tease in fabulous 3D. I flipping love that 3D cam but I can't find the damn thing anywhere right now, though I have a feeling it's probably shoved under my bed somewhere...
The other video is my belly dance effort. I am actually really interested and always have been in belly dance. Of course I have never taken a class and I have no fucking clue what I am doing here, but I think I gave it a good try:
I actually even blew 100 bucks ordering different “how to” belly dance dvd's from amazon tonight. I figured shopping might cheer me up a little plus you know being active is usually a good idea when trying to combat the blues. Ha, maybe if I get pretty good I will make more belly dance videos! I don't know if people are interested in that but it IS listed as a fetish category on clips4sale!
Anyways, I am going to lay in bed and hope I fall asleep now so I can hopefully wake up at a decent time tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Fuck the Internet (Even though I LOVE my interwebz!)
Man I am really frustrated... With some online stuffs so if you don't speak web hooker language you may want to skip this entry or read further to learn the ups and downs of my business...
Alright so let me make a list of them (my annoyances) then elaborate further as I see fit.
1.Non-members being extremely rude and even harassing me in my nightly member chats.
2.In doing the “free chat” that must be done to attract private shows I am really pissed at other stupid “models” for basically working for NOTHING and thus fucking up my income.
3.Even though I have 3 laptops and one netbook to make my life, spy cams and members/private shows run smoothly I REALLY actually need another desktop and I can't afford to buy one right now.
Ok I guess those are my main issues let me talk about my issues with number one now. Basically on my site I use different cam networks that I cam through to market myself to a larger audience and to offer my members access to the other tons of shows that other girls/guys do on those networks. The lame thing is that some of these networks sell their streams to really shitty sites like myfreepaysite.com and other retarded places that the folks that have access to my shows and chats are not paying anyway shape or form and are pieces of total shit.
NOT EVERYONE THAT ACCESSES MY SHOWS THROUGH THESE PLACES (FOR FREE) SUCK. I am certainly not mad at anyone trying to get the sexy for free. I mean in this day and age with the volume of free sexy pictures and videos online and really EVERYWHERE including billboards, magazines, TV, victoria secret catalogs and the like it's not the sex appeal that gains members for solo sites like mine... It's the interest and interaction with the personality behind the site, in this case ME. I don't have any problems with having an attractive personality. As a matter of fact sometimes I think I have too much.
My members know me and if they like me for who I am they come to my shows and I would say generally enjoy interacting with me as well as seeing me naked/touching my goodies. My shows are not mindless and endless dildoing of a close up/faceless/personality-less vagina. I TALK and I TALK a lot. I say whats on my mind and my members and I tend to get to know each other (if they are the type to allow me into their world.) I LOVE THIS and would NOT have it any other way. But the folks that don't know me expect me to be a machine that obeys rude commands and displays full on nudity for the entire fucking hour of my show.
I am curious, do any people on these various networks actually DO THIS? Do the other models get naked within the first five minutes and obey any and all demands and stick random things in every orifice for the entertainment of the random viewers that are NOT their site members? Because these guys act like I am fucking nuts for not sticking water bottles up my asshole and having the cam 5 inches from my pussy the entire time I am on cam. Am I weird? Also in one of these particular network chat room there are NO MODS and I have to try to run my show smoothly as well as ban the assholes out at the same time which can be very hard to keep up with especially considering if they are using sites like myfreepaysite.com they can log back in with a different screen name or sometimes even the same name without any damn problems at all.
So basically I am trying to have a good time and run a fun show for me and the cool viewers that are having a good time with me while being harassed and barked orders to by the lame asses. When I try to ban them and they can come back they come back calling me every name in the book and telling me how much I suck because I am not being fucked live by 5 different men and showing my holes being beaten to death close enough for their tastes. It's hard to feel sexy while being insulted for a fucking hour straight.
Now you may ask me why I continue to perform on this network if it's so much hell to have to go through on such a consistent basis. Well they pay me... And aside from them firing me which they might do (and I will get to why later) I just can't afford to give up doing the shows through them, not to mention there are so many pretty girls on this network that I am sure my members enjoy watching other than just me and I wouldn't want to deny them of that pleasure. This gracefully leads me to my second frustration I would like to address...
So on this same network I am performing on and being paid to do so (and be insulted and harassed as it seems...) I am required to fulfill and hour of free chat/private shows after my group/member's show. This really fucking sucks because I don't generally do private shows on a regular basis and when I did/do I set it up ahead of time through messenger or email and decide the details before the appointment is made and the money is paid. In these bogus ass “free chat” rooms most of the models on MOST of these sites are from foreign countries where 50 cents to a dollar a minute for humiliating themselves in any and every orifice they have available is considered “good money” and thus they undercut most American cam girls in price.
I only do this free chat bullshit 3 hours a week after three of my daily members shows and to offer my members and my other fans a good deal I only charge 1.99 per minute when my regular yahoo prearranged shows are 3-5 dollars a minute. I figure this is a damn good offer and think I am gonna get a million shows and not be able to even keep up with the demand. Um yeah right... I have a few regulars that come looking for me but other dudes are not so kind.
The men that frequent these free chat rooms are used to these predominantly foreign bitches that fucking basically do the whole show in free chat wearing a thong and bra dancing around tirelessly until someone finally takes them private for a buck a minute (of which they get maybe %40) and then they proceed to do things like fist their asses and suck their fingers with joy afterward. I am not going to fucking do it. First of all the most I do in these cheap chats is dance and perform a strip tease. I am not fingering my cunt or sticking anything up in there for 1.99 a minute, if you think this is unreasonable... I am sure there are lots of girls that can hardly speak English but sure aren't foreign or new to the idea of demeaning themselves on cam for you.
So the folks in these free rooms get angry or frustrated with me that I am not dancing around nearly naked and “enticing” them to chat. Um if you came in my room you should have seen my pics and known whether or not you wanted a damn show as far as I am concerned. There will be not pre-show or “sneak peeks”. You buy and see the goods or you can leave. However this attitude I have isn't as I said the norm on these sites and thus I am making NO MONEY doing ZERO PRIVATE SHOWS. Because of this being the main point of this network paying me to do the group shows to entice folks to get privates and pay more I am not on their list of awesome money making performers and I am constantly terrified they are going to can me and I am going to lose that money that they pay me which is pretty darn good I think...
So I am fucking stressed around the clock over this bullshit and now I am even starting to fear doing my members shows three times a week through this network and it's effecting my work. These chats used to be so much FUN! I don't know what to do to get more privates without selling myself short in my eyes. Do you guys have any suggestions? Because I am ALL EARS! I haven't done one private in like two weeks and if I lose this bit of income I would be sort of fucked.
My last issue that I am flipping out about is the fact I need a new PC. This is primarily my fault... because I wanted to put up more spy cams and now I usually have up 17-19 at any given point in time. This is a part of my site I REALLY LIKE and so do many of my members. It's something I have wanted to have and do since I was in elementary school. Since I had heard of JenniCam way back when. So basically and obviously that amount of spy cams can not be run on 1 or even 2 computers. I have been splitting them between two pc's for a long time successfully but as my business grows and I add more I have started using my main laptop to run 2 or 3 cams as well. With three streaming cams open it's very hard on my computer to try to do my regular work with marketing, photo editing, video editing and even fucking shit as simple as word processing.
I bought a netbook to use to do my members shows since I usually have those three cams open on my main laptop now but I have learned netbooks are made for pretty much NOTHING but being cute. To be able to use this laptop for my shows like I used to so my shit doesn't fuck up and crash all the time like it does on the netbook I am going to need to buy another computer and I figure since I have only all laptops and desktops are easier to upgrade and whatnot that's my next step... Of course I don't have 2000 bucks just like waiting to be spent on a new desktop right now so I am screwed.
Gah! Thank you for letting me vent to you, you wonderful internet peoples.
Alright so let me make a list of them (my annoyances) then elaborate further as I see fit.
1.Non-members being extremely rude and even harassing me in my nightly member chats.
2.In doing the “free chat” that must be done to attract private shows I am really pissed at other stupid “models” for basically working for NOTHING and thus fucking up my income.
3.Even though I have 3 laptops and one netbook to make my life, spy cams and members/private shows run smoothly I REALLY actually need another desktop and I can't afford to buy one right now.
Ok I guess those are my main issues let me talk about my issues with number one now. Basically on my site I use different cam networks that I cam through to market myself to a larger audience and to offer my members access to the other tons of shows that other girls/guys do on those networks. The lame thing is that some of these networks sell their streams to really shitty sites like myfreepaysite.com and other retarded places that the folks that have access to my shows and chats are not paying anyway shape or form and are pieces of total shit.
NOT EVERYONE THAT ACCESSES MY SHOWS THROUGH THESE PLACES (FOR FREE) SUCK. I am certainly not mad at anyone trying to get the sexy for free. I mean in this day and age with the volume of free sexy pictures and videos online and really EVERYWHERE including billboards, magazines, TV, victoria secret catalogs and the like it's not the sex appeal that gains members for solo sites like mine... It's the interest and interaction with the personality behind the site, in this case ME. I don't have any problems with having an attractive personality. As a matter of fact sometimes I think I have too much.
My members know me and if they like me for who I am they come to my shows and I would say generally enjoy interacting with me as well as seeing me naked/touching my goodies. My shows are not mindless and endless dildoing of a close up/faceless/personality-less vagina. I TALK and I TALK a lot. I say whats on my mind and my members and I tend to get to know each other (if they are the type to allow me into their world.) I LOVE THIS and would NOT have it any other way. But the folks that don't know me expect me to be a machine that obeys rude commands and displays full on nudity for the entire fucking hour of my show.
I am curious, do any people on these various networks actually DO THIS? Do the other models get naked within the first five minutes and obey any and all demands and stick random things in every orifice for the entertainment of the random viewers that are NOT their site members? Because these guys act like I am fucking nuts for not sticking water bottles up my asshole and having the cam 5 inches from my pussy the entire time I am on cam. Am I weird? Also in one of these particular network chat room there are NO MODS and I have to try to run my show smoothly as well as ban the assholes out at the same time which can be very hard to keep up with especially considering if they are using sites like myfreepaysite.com they can log back in with a different screen name or sometimes even the same name without any damn problems at all.
So basically I am trying to have a good time and run a fun show for me and the cool viewers that are having a good time with me while being harassed and barked orders to by the lame asses. When I try to ban them and they can come back they come back calling me every name in the book and telling me how much I suck because I am not being fucked live by 5 different men and showing my holes being beaten to death close enough for their tastes. It's hard to feel sexy while being insulted for a fucking hour straight.
Now you may ask me why I continue to perform on this network if it's so much hell to have to go through on such a consistent basis. Well they pay me... And aside from them firing me which they might do (and I will get to why later) I just can't afford to give up doing the shows through them, not to mention there are so many pretty girls on this network that I am sure my members enjoy watching other than just me and I wouldn't want to deny them of that pleasure. This gracefully leads me to my second frustration I would like to address...
So on this same network I am performing on and being paid to do so (and be insulted and harassed as it seems...) I am required to fulfill and hour of free chat/private shows after my group/member's show. This really fucking sucks because I don't generally do private shows on a regular basis and when I did/do I set it up ahead of time through messenger or email and decide the details before the appointment is made and the money is paid. In these bogus ass “free chat” rooms most of the models on MOST of these sites are from foreign countries where 50 cents to a dollar a minute for humiliating themselves in any and every orifice they have available is considered “good money” and thus they undercut most American cam girls in price.
I only do this free chat bullshit 3 hours a week after three of my daily members shows and to offer my members and my other fans a good deal I only charge 1.99 per minute when my regular yahoo prearranged shows are 3-5 dollars a minute. I figure this is a damn good offer and think I am gonna get a million shows and not be able to even keep up with the demand. Um yeah right... I have a few regulars that come looking for me but other dudes are not so kind.
The men that frequent these free chat rooms are used to these predominantly foreign bitches that fucking basically do the whole show in free chat wearing a thong and bra dancing around tirelessly until someone finally takes them private for a buck a minute (of which they get maybe %40) and then they proceed to do things like fist their asses and suck their fingers with joy afterward. I am not going to fucking do it. First of all the most I do in these cheap chats is dance and perform a strip tease. I am not fingering my cunt or sticking anything up in there for 1.99 a minute, if you think this is unreasonable... I am sure there are lots of girls that can hardly speak English but sure aren't foreign or new to the idea of demeaning themselves on cam for you.
So the folks in these free rooms get angry or frustrated with me that I am not dancing around nearly naked and “enticing” them to chat. Um if you came in my room you should have seen my pics and known whether or not you wanted a damn show as far as I am concerned. There will be not pre-show or “sneak peeks”. You buy and see the goods or you can leave. However this attitude I have isn't as I said the norm on these sites and thus I am making NO MONEY doing ZERO PRIVATE SHOWS. Because of this being the main point of this network paying me to do the group shows to entice folks to get privates and pay more I am not on their list of awesome money making performers and I am constantly terrified they are going to can me and I am going to lose that money that they pay me which is pretty darn good I think...
So I am fucking stressed around the clock over this bullshit and now I am even starting to fear doing my members shows three times a week through this network and it's effecting my work. These chats used to be so much FUN! I don't know what to do to get more privates without selling myself short in my eyes. Do you guys have any suggestions? Because I am ALL EARS! I haven't done one private in like two weeks and if I lose this bit of income I would be sort of fucked.
My last issue that I am flipping out about is the fact I need a new PC. This is primarily my fault... because I wanted to put up more spy cams and now I usually have up 17-19 at any given point in time. This is a part of my site I REALLY LIKE and so do many of my members. It's something I have wanted to have and do since I was in elementary school. Since I had heard of JenniCam way back when. So basically and obviously that amount of spy cams can not be run on 1 or even 2 computers. I have been splitting them between two pc's for a long time successfully but as my business grows and I add more I have started using my main laptop to run 2 or 3 cams as well. With three streaming cams open it's very hard on my computer to try to do my regular work with marketing, photo editing, video editing and even fucking shit as simple as word processing.
I bought a netbook to use to do my members shows since I usually have those three cams open on my main laptop now but I have learned netbooks are made for pretty much NOTHING but being cute. To be able to use this laptop for my shows like I used to so my shit doesn't fuck up and crash all the time like it does on the netbook I am going to need to buy another computer and I figure since I have only all laptops and desktops are easier to upgrade and whatnot that's my next step... Of course I don't have 2000 bucks just like waiting to be spent on a new desktop right now so I am screwed.
Gah! Thank you for letting me vent to you, you wonderful internet peoples.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Video Blog um mainly about this Blog
And other random crap I happened to mention... Like info about my bowels. You've been dying to know about them I know...
"miscommunication"
I am scatterbrained to the MAX today. Not that it's anything new but it's killing me a little. I have been trying to concentrate on getting things done but still failing. I drank twice during my cleanse this week which is really dumb and self defeating. Now it's Friday and I feel like going out and drinking again. I feel like I can't help it... Like I just relate to other people so much easier when I am drunk. I probably need to take up smoking weed instead, but I am sure in excess that will just make me more paranoid than I already am.
One awesome thing about this week I feel like was accomplished (other than my BRAND NEW blog design going up!) was that I made a positive step in opening up communication with someone I thought I would be forever doomed in my interactions with for the rest of eternity. I think sometimes when people tend to not be “good” with each other it's a general rule there has been a miscommunication of ideas. I don't think however the whole sum of our “relationship” has been healed but I am proud of the first steps we have both taken this week in beginning to mend what we BOTH fucked up in the past.
As much as is may be unbelievable to some considering how confrontational I can be at times I really freaking hate having people that I have fucked up connections with. I shouldn't care but I hate people having the wrong ideas about who I am although that's easy for me stir in folks when I have fucked up ideas about who I am, myself. But you know what I mean, or maybe you don't...
I care WAY too much about what people think. But in doing so it's both destructive and beneficial for my sense of self as on one hand it's good not to want to be seen as a total piece of shit because it makes you watch yourself but it also sucks because it hinders your being your true self on occasion. I need to learn balance in my life. Maybe that's one of my lessons I am supposed to learn in this lifetime.
In other news... I need a seamstress. Although I would like to learn how to alter my costumes and clothes myself, until I actually get a sewing machine and take the time to learn how to use it I need some work done to some pieces and I don't know how to find someone to do this for me. Of course I am willing to pay, as that should not have to be mentioned but I am for the sake of possibly attracting a nice young (or old) lady to do this for me and be my go to gal for alterations. Do you know anyone that would be interested? Please let me know!
One awesome thing about this week I feel like was accomplished (other than my BRAND NEW blog design going up!) was that I made a positive step in opening up communication with someone I thought I would be forever doomed in my interactions with for the rest of eternity. I think sometimes when people tend to not be “good” with each other it's a general rule there has been a miscommunication of ideas. I don't think however the whole sum of our “relationship” has been healed but I am proud of the first steps we have both taken this week in beginning to mend what we BOTH fucked up in the past.
As much as is may be unbelievable to some considering how confrontational I can be at times I really freaking hate having people that I have fucked up connections with. I shouldn't care but I hate people having the wrong ideas about who I am although that's easy for me stir in folks when I have fucked up ideas about who I am, myself. But you know what I mean, or maybe you don't...
I care WAY too much about what people think. But in doing so it's both destructive and beneficial for my sense of self as on one hand it's good not to want to be seen as a total piece of shit because it makes you watch yourself but it also sucks because it hinders your being your true self on occasion. I need to learn balance in my life. Maybe that's one of my lessons I am supposed to learn in this lifetime.
In other news... I need a seamstress. Although I would like to learn how to alter my costumes and clothes myself, until I actually get a sewing machine and take the time to learn how to use it I need some work done to some pieces and I don't know how to find someone to do this for me. Of course I am willing to pay, as that should not have to be mentioned but I am for the sake of possibly attracting a nice young (or old) lady to do this for me and be my go to gal for alterations. Do you know anyone that would be interested? Please let me know!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Atliens is my Favorite OutKast Album by far...
It was like my most cherished cassette tape in the 2nd grade. I played it so often I wore the bitch out!
They are all against me... But not really.
There are no side kicks left in the world. I have used the last of all of my great epic human connections and wasted them on creeps and mega creeps at that. Don't be offended if you are one of these lousy folks I felt something for. If you aren't in my life now, it's probably for a very good reason and probably better in the end for both of us. But that certainly doesn't make traveling this lonely road alone any easier. Even if I know leaving you in the dust was the very best option there could have been.
It's right at 6am and I went to bed at a time I considered to be “early”. I was trying to get a whole night of complete rest. Not too little and not too much and at night not during the day. I just don't think that can be very healthy to sleep during the day all of the time and miss all of the good vitamin D hours. In doing that I am probably slicing years off of my life. Like having a terminal disease or something.
However I actually do FEEL tired, but when I lay down my mind won't shut the fuck up. It keeps reminding me of the things I need or simply promised I would do. I'm pretty behind on every aspect of life right now, especially my business... I now even the blinking cursor of this blog entry is harassing me.
I have a coffee maker and I bought these gourmet coffees for it and I don't know in the least how to use it. I have never made coffee or washed a sink full of my own dishes. Seriously I wonder sometimes why I am honestly allowed to pretend I am independent because although I am in ways beyond my years there are also things I just can't imagine doing for myself like... My laundry?
I finally figured out how to view my wide screen movies so that they aren't squished on my new wide screen HDTV. I suppose that's a plus for the week so far. Also I finally found my birth control after having lost it for an entire week. It's good I won't be drinking for at least a month during my full body cleanse cause you know, no alcohol equals no sex. Sex tends to feel out of place when I am sober like getting a vaccine or something similar.
I would also like to send out a big shout out saying FUCK YOU to whomever called my landlord and told them my dog bothers them by barking. Oh and as if that wasn't a cool enough move on their part they told the fucking man I had more than one dog in here barking up a storm 24/7 when I leave them “unattended”.
Ok first of all, I never even fucking leave my house so what are you talking about?
Number 2, there are only like 4 other apartments in this building and two of the households know me and would most likely just tell me if my dog was keeping them up at night or something. So basically I know it's one of two girls who need to fucking take a chill pill and stop lying cause both of them have seen me walk my ONE dog and never any others.
But whatever I just hope it settles and I don't get kicked out again. I fucking couldn't handle that. The only problem is that his bark collar doesn't work all of the time so I am scared to leave him when I need to go to appointments and run errands in general. I'm open to dog training suggestions...
It's right at 6am and I went to bed at a time I considered to be “early”. I was trying to get a whole night of complete rest. Not too little and not too much and at night not during the day. I just don't think that can be very healthy to sleep during the day all of the time and miss all of the good vitamin D hours. In doing that I am probably slicing years off of my life. Like having a terminal disease or something.
However I actually do FEEL tired, but when I lay down my mind won't shut the fuck up. It keeps reminding me of the things I need or simply promised I would do. I'm pretty behind on every aspect of life right now, especially my business... I now even the blinking cursor of this blog entry is harassing me.
I have a coffee maker and I bought these gourmet coffees for it and I don't know in the least how to use it. I have never made coffee or washed a sink full of my own dishes. Seriously I wonder sometimes why I am honestly allowed to pretend I am independent because although I am in ways beyond my years there are also things I just can't imagine doing for myself like... My laundry?
I finally figured out how to view my wide screen movies so that they aren't squished on my new wide screen HDTV. I suppose that's a plus for the week so far. Also I finally found my birth control after having lost it for an entire week. It's good I won't be drinking for at least a month during my full body cleanse cause you know, no alcohol equals no sex. Sex tends to feel out of place when I am sober like getting a vaccine or something similar.
I would also like to send out a big shout out saying FUCK YOU to whomever called my landlord and told them my dog bothers them by barking. Oh and as if that wasn't a cool enough move on their part they told the fucking man I had more than one dog in here barking up a storm 24/7 when I leave them “unattended”.
Ok first of all, I never even fucking leave my house so what are you talking about?
Number 2, there are only like 4 other apartments in this building and two of the households know me and would most likely just tell me if my dog was keeping them up at night or something. So basically I know it's one of two girls who need to fucking take a chill pill and stop lying cause both of them have seen me walk my ONE dog and never any others.
But whatever I just hope it settles and I don't get kicked out again. I fucking couldn't handle that. The only problem is that his bark collar doesn't work all of the time so I am scared to leave him when I need to go to appointments and run errands in general. I'm open to dog training suggestions...
Monday, July 20, 2009
I love this fucking Kimono. So what if it's not traditional!
http://undressjess.shakinit.com/
And the GOOD stuff is always on:
http://www.undressjess.com :)
This ENTIRE video is also for sale as a SINGLE download (meaning you don't have to sign up for any month long memberships) here:
http://www.clips4sale.com/store/17142
Monday, July 13, 2009
I am in need of a new creative adventure...
I really need to write more like I used to. It kept me thinking clearly and gave me a chance to look at the things that were bothering me as well as the projects I have done well on. So I need to write more for reflection on not only my personal life but my business life as well!
I just put in the movie Moulin Rouge. I have only seen this once about 6 years ago and I have owned the movie for two or three years as my ex girlfriend Leslie bought it for me as a gift. I assume she thought I would love it because of my appreciation for the cabaret and burlesque.
The movie has some pretty neat imagery but I remember hating the way they incorporated modern music into the score. I realize this isn't a traditional musical but that really fucked it up for me.
I'll see what I think of it now as an adult...
I'm an adult now and that cracks me up. I have no idea how people (and I guess by “people” I mean my Grandmother) allow me to live on my own. I am like a 5 year old running amok AND living with three unruly cats and one very energetic dog. I can't cook or better yet I am too lazy to cook, have anxieties so thick I can't leave the house at some points for days at a time, and I only talk to other characters of myself along with you know my animals that each have a voice and pitch of their own that I have to act out for them... Basically I am a toddler that's being allowed to live on her own.
Sometimes this worries me. Like when will the masses start realizing that I am a child stuck in an adults body and why is it that when I was a child I felt like an adult stuck in a child's body? Why has this reality flipped on me?
Lately I have been thinking about dance. I wish I had a studio apartment so I could live out my dreams of dancing whenever I feel that it's necessary. I had a small window at getting my dream and dancing with burlesque troupe in town. One I was apart of awhile back but they declined at adding me to their entourage just recently.
I have considered starting my own dance/performance art troupe however there are a TON of reasons why I don't make a go at this.
1.It would automatically be considered a rival at the troupe I was once apart of and failed to regain access to. This would be highly um undesired. If anything I would have liked to have worked with them and built up the art community here.
2.There were very few people that auditioned for them when they held tryouts which leads me to believe there just aren't enough people left in the area that would be interested in participating in something like this with me.
3.I could easily become apart of something that's already established but I really don't have the time or space in my schedule to start something up on my own and be fully responsible for.
4.And finally I have NO ROOM at my newer apartment for any practicing. I have no idea how I would find a spot to practice or perform in/at. I'm not the best with people, you know:)
So that's out but I obviously have considered it cause it's something that would my my little heart pant with joy and delight. It's just sadly totally unreasonable.
I need something new though. I have so many work/online projects that I am constantly busy with. But I need something totally unrelated and creative that I don't have to consider it's marketability or anything like that to work on. Does that make sense?
I just put in the movie Moulin Rouge. I have only seen this once about 6 years ago and I have owned the movie for two or three years as my ex girlfriend Leslie bought it for me as a gift. I assume she thought I would love it because of my appreciation for the cabaret and burlesque.
The movie has some pretty neat imagery but I remember hating the way they incorporated modern music into the score. I realize this isn't a traditional musical but that really fucked it up for me.
I'll see what I think of it now as an adult...
I'm an adult now and that cracks me up. I have no idea how people (and I guess by “people” I mean my Grandmother) allow me to live on my own. I am like a 5 year old running amok AND living with three unruly cats and one very energetic dog. I can't cook or better yet I am too lazy to cook, have anxieties so thick I can't leave the house at some points for days at a time, and I only talk to other characters of myself along with you know my animals that each have a voice and pitch of their own that I have to act out for them... Basically I am a toddler that's being allowed to live on her own.
Sometimes this worries me. Like when will the masses start realizing that I am a child stuck in an adults body and why is it that when I was a child I felt like an adult stuck in a child's body? Why has this reality flipped on me?
Lately I have been thinking about dance. I wish I had a studio apartment so I could live out my dreams of dancing whenever I feel that it's necessary. I had a small window at getting my dream and dancing with burlesque troupe in town. One I was apart of awhile back but they declined at adding me to their entourage just recently.
I have considered starting my own dance/performance art troupe however there are a TON of reasons why I don't make a go at this.
1.It would automatically be considered a rival at the troupe I was once apart of and failed to regain access to. This would be highly um undesired. If anything I would have liked to have worked with them and built up the art community here.
2.There were very few people that auditioned for them when they held tryouts which leads me to believe there just aren't enough people left in the area that would be interested in participating in something like this with me.
3.I could easily become apart of something that's already established but I really don't have the time or space in my schedule to start something up on my own and be fully responsible for.
4.And finally I have NO ROOM at my newer apartment for any practicing. I have no idea how I would find a spot to practice or perform in/at. I'm not the best with people, you know:)
So that's out but I obviously have considered it cause it's something that would my my little heart pant with joy and delight. It's just sadly totally unreasonable.
I need something new though. I have so many work/online projects that I am constantly busy with. But I need something totally unrelated and creative that I don't have to consider it's marketability or anything like that to work on. Does that make sense?
Sunday, July 12, 2009
What do you think of this dream?
I am making myself get up out of bed to type this one out... I have had quite a lot of strange and epic dreams lately about people I know that have been providing me strange insight into what is going on behind the scenes in their lives. So last night (or this morning, as I fell asleep around maybe 6am?) I decided to start recording my dreams again in some type of way whether recording them in a book or on a tape and keeping a way to record these dreams beside me or near me in some way that would/will be easy to convince myself to get up and write these ideas down.
Somewhat recently I received an email from some stranger who says he goes by the handle of “seerinc” on many of the sites he has run across me on. This name seems vaguely familiar but I can't think of what specific instances I may have actually spoke to him in. He goes onto say he has some what of a psychic ability and had a strange dream about me and my grandmother and was warning me to cherish my time with her.
I really just put this email out of my mind deciding that the illustration of her that he described in his dream couldn't be her and I even spoke to her about it. I responded to his email saying that it couldn't be her, halfway expecting another email back offering his services to investigate further for some fee I wouldn't cough up and that would be the end of it. Well no such email came... Maybe he forgot about me?
I will now try as best I can to recall the dream I had last night in some type of linear fashion that will be easy enough for anyone to follow because it corresponds with the email he sent me and obviously because of this dream being frightening as hell for me.
So at the very beginning...
My Grandma “Patsy” announced to the family that she will be giving up her partial residence here in the world and taking up full residence in the after-death/under world because her mother is finally ready for her there. (My great grandma is dead and has been for... 16 years and right after she passed I remember Patsy having a hell of a time with it.) In the dream Patsy didn't seem surprised or saddened about leaving this world as apparently she had been visiting the underworld for some time and even had an apartment there she would stay at during her visits.
So in an effort to change her mind and possibly talk to my Great Grandmother and perhaps talk her out of this as I need Patsy here... I followed her one day to the underworld. This would be her last trip there I learned as I arrived and she wouldn't be coming back and the dream shifted to other subjects...
So in following her I was in a hospital and saw she was taking an elevator to the basement and thus did the same and caught up with her as she was turning a corner down a hallway. There past the turn were two doors both leading to the underworld. She entered them and I followed. She was welcomed by many people that had grown to know her there after her many visits. At the other side of the doors were a bunch of “inbetweeners” that to me were mainly represented my drug addicts or those “living on the edge”. Basically they were people that could go either way at anytime yet for some reason decided that being closer to death was worth it to do what they did to end up there in the first place.
This is where I learned that the longer a person was there the more life energy that would deplete from them and if their energy was allowed to fall low enough would trap them there killing their physical body in the “real world”. I saw a girl there near the doors and made up a story about how I was there to see a friend that may live in her neighborhood and I even made up a name. She said she knew this person and asked me some questions about her and I made up some sad story about her being the homecoming queen. So we started our journey through the underworld to find this person. I kept seeing glimpses of Patsy in different places and having flashbacks to my Great Grandmother's funeral during this time. But Patsy seemed to not notice me being wrapped up in the next step of her existence and my purpose slowly faded of bringing her back.
The young girl who was taking me to see this person I created slowly became more and more friendly and I was enjoying her company. She showed me that the underworld was just a labyrinth of bushes some you can see over and others that you can't. We stopped to talk to an older man and he confided in us that he was only there to use what he got there to gain money when he visited the real world. He was evil and we got away from him after he made us very uncomfortable. He was half alive like her, meaning they could go back and forth between worlds and he did although for some reason the younger girl chose to stay there.
WE met another girl who was friends with my (then) guide. She was pretty cool too but something seemed more amiss with her but nothing evil or “dark”. Then I kind of was staring over a part of the labyrinth and thinking for awhile and they were talking behind me or something and I realized there was a dark man to the right of me and although totally not touching me was holding me there and sucking my life energy all away. I realized then I had been standing in the dark, or like a shaded area of the labyrinth where the light couldn't get to.
I instantly was afraid and trying to pull away from him but couldn't scream for being so weak. The girls noticed and pulled me away and we started running back through the labyrinth to get away from the dark and as we were running noticed there were many parts of the labyrinth that were dark and light and we tried to stay in the light.
The dark parts were like sticky paper for flies or something there were dark miserable spirits there all in shadow they would try to pull you in and take your energy from you. I got stuck a few more times before getting back to the doors with the two girls. I insisted they come back with me but one girl the girl that had something strange about her she couldn't even see the doors she had no idea what we were talking about and I realized she was fully dead. The other girl who was ill or close to death COULD see the doors and another girl who seemed to be waiting for us there told us to say goodbye to our friend and walked us through. Someone handed us a baby to take with us.
We ran through the doors with this mysterious girl and the baby who seemed to get bigger and bigger as time pasted at a alarmingly fast rate laughing joyfully and I noticed all the people arriving from the elevators were so somber and I remembered that when I came there were people coming and going in joy and in sorrow both. Now I knew why.
So the girl and I that I felt like I helped rescue and the baby got into an elevator. A weird looking dude who was obviously alive but had evil intent said if we gave him the child we would be able to live. We didn't let the little boy go who was nearly 4 or 5 now but as the elevator door closed the child disappeared from my arms and he had him. The weird evil guy took him (the child) into a different elevator and up they went. Our mysterious girl who was waiting to escort us by the doors of the underworld took the ride with them but somehow hidden at first. At a stop the little boy was maybe 20 years old now and carrying a back pack got off of the ride and the man that stole him turned into that old evil man who was using the underworld to gain money and power.
I now understood the 20 year old guy was his grandson whom he (the older evil man) originally went there to save and got swept up in the fact he could cheat life using the knowledge he gained there. The grandson got off on a floor in the hospital and off he walked. He had been there in a coma for sometime because of a drug overdose or something like that and was going to return to his body. He was evil too though and I wished I hadn't aided his return.
The old man and the guide who had now appeared were in the elevator going to another floor even higher up and the man had some type of case with all of this money and symbols of power. A puppy appeared to come through a crevice in the elevator door and he pet the animal and the animal went back out the way he came. This of course was impossible as the elevator was moving...
The old man stuck his hand out the door somehow by squeezing it through a crevice to get the dog as if he was hypnotized by the animal and wanted to grab him and he obviously wasn't thinking straight. The girl/guide screamed out for him to stop and he became lodged in the elevator gears and slowly the elevator was pulling him out and crushing him piece by piece. The dog had been a trick of the dark part of the underworld that had been depleting his life energy in all the times he went there for the wrong reasons... and the girl was a guide making sure his soul got back there and was punished for what he had done.
My friend and I reached our floor and got out intuitively knowing what had happened to them and picked up a news paper that talked about both of them being crushed in the elevator together as if it had happened days before. However she was okay and so was I and we were happy for that! This is when I woke up...
I don't want to lose my grandma and this is why this is scary for me. The other parts are just sort of weird that it played out in a complete story... What is your take on this dream?
Somewhat recently I received an email from some stranger who says he goes by the handle of “seerinc” on many of the sites he has run across me on. This name seems vaguely familiar but I can't think of what specific instances I may have actually spoke to him in. He goes onto say he has some what of a psychic ability and had a strange dream about me and my grandmother and was warning me to cherish my time with her.
I really just put this email out of my mind deciding that the illustration of her that he described in his dream couldn't be her and I even spoke to her about it. I responded to his email saying that it couldn't be her, halfway expecting another email back offering his services to investigate further for some fee I wouldn't cough up and that would be the end of it. Well no such email came... Maybe he forgot about me?
I will now try as best I can to recall the dream I had last night in some type of linear fashion that will be easy enough for anyone to follow because it corresponds with the email he sent me and obviously because of this dream being frightening as hell for me.
So at the very beginning...
My Grandma “Patsy” announced to the family that she will be giving up her partial residence here in the world and taking up full residence in the after-death/under world because her mother is finally ready for her there. (My great grandma is dead and has been for... 16 years and right after she passed I remember Patsy having a hell of a time with it.) In the dream Patsy didn't seem surprised or saddened about leaving this world as apparently she had been visiting the underworld for some time and even had an apartment there she would stay at during her visits.
So in an effort to change her mind and possibly talk to my Great Grandmother and perhaps talk her out of this as I need Patsy here... I followed her one day to the underworld. This would be her last trip there I learned as I arrived and she wouldn't be coming back and the dream shifted to other subjects...
So in following her I was in a hospital and saw she was taking an elevator to the basement and thus did the same and caught up with her as she was turning a corner down a hallway. There past the turn were two doors both leading to the underworld. She entered them and I followed. She was welcomed by many people that had grown to know her there after her many visits. At the other side of the doors were a bunch of “inbetweeners” that to me were mainly represented my drug addicts or those “living on the edge”. Basically they were people that could go either way at anytime yet for some reason decided that being closer to death was worth it to do what they did to end up there in the first place.
This is where I learned that the longer a person was there the more life energy that would deplete from them and if their energy was allowed to fall low enough would trap them there killing their physical body in the “real world”. I saw a girl there near the doors and made up a story about how I was there to see a friend that may live in her neighborhood and I even made up a name. She said she knew this person and asked me some questions about her and I made up some sad story about her being the homecoming queen. So we started our journey through the underworld to find this person. I kept seeing glimpses of Patsy in different places and having flashbacks to my Great Grandmother's funeral during this time. But Patsy seemed to not notice me being wrapped up in the next step of her existence and my purpose slowly faded of bringing her back.
The young girl who was taking me to see this person I created slowly became more and more friendly and I was enjoying her company. She showed me that the underworld was just a labyrinth of bushes some you can see over and others that you can't. We stopped to talk to an older man and he confided in us that he was only there to use what he got there to gain money when he visited the real world. He was evil and we got away from him after he made us very uncomfortable. He was half alive like her, meaning they could go back and forth between worlds and he did although for some reason the younger girl chose to stay there.
WE met another girl who was friends with my (then) guide. She was pretty cool too but something seemed more amiss with her but nothing evil or “dark”. Then I kind of was staring over a part of the labyrinth and thinking for awhile and they were talking behind me or something and I realized there was a dark man to the right of me and although totally not touching me was holding me there and sucking my life energy all away. I realized then I had been standing in the dark, or like a shaded area of the labyrinth where the light couldn't get to.
I instantly was afraid and trying to pull away from him but couldn't scream for being so weak. The girls noticed and pulled me away and we started running back through the labyrinth to get away from the dark and as we were running noticed there were many parts of the labyrinth that were dark and light and we tried to stay in the light.
The dark parts were like sticky paper for flies or something there were dark miserable spirits there all in shadow they would try to pull you in and take your energy from you. I got stuck a few more times before getting back to the doors with the two girls. I insisted they come back with me but one girl the girl that had something strange about her she couldn't even see the doors she had no idea what we were talking about and I realized she was fully dead. The other girl who was ill or close to death COULD see the doors and another girl who seemed to be waiting for us there told us to say goodbye to our friend and walked us through. Someone handed us a baby to take with us.
We ran through the doors with this mysterious girl and the baby who seemed to get bigger and bigger as time pasted at a alarmingly fast rate laughing joyfully and I noticed all the people arriving from the elevators were so somber and I remembered that when I came there were people coming and going in joy and in sorrow both. Now I knew why.
So the girl and I that I felt like I helped rescue and the baby got into an elevator. A weird looking dude who was obviously alive but had evil intent said if we gave him the child we would be able to live. We didn't let the little boy go who was nearly 4 or 5 now but as the elevator door closed the child disappeared from my arms and he had him. The weird evil guy took him (the child) into a different elevator and up they went. Our mysterious girl who was waiting to escort us by the doors of the underworld took the ride with them but somehow hidden at first. At a stop the little boy was maybe 20 years old now and carrying a back pack got off of the ride and the man that stole him turned into that old evil man who was using the underworld to gain money and power.
I now understood the 20 year old guy was his grandson whom he (the older evil man) originally went there to save and got swept up in the fact he could cheat life using the knowledge he gained there. The grandson got off on a floor in the hospital and off he walked. He had been there in a coma for sometime because of a drug overdose or something like that and was going to return to his body. He was evil too though and I wished I hadn't aided his return.
The old man and the guide who had now appeared were in the elevator going to another floor even higher up and the man had some type of case with all of this money and symbols of power. A puppy appeared to come through a crevice in the elevator door and he pet the animal and the animal went back out the way he came. This of course was impossible as the elevator was moving...
The old man stuck his hand out the door somehow by squeezing it through a crevice to get the dog as if he was hypnotized by the animal and wanted to grab him and he obviously wasn't thinking straight. The girl/guide screamed out for him to stop and he became lodged in the elevator gears and slowly the elevator was pulling him out and crushing him piece by piece. The dog had been a trick of the dark part of the underworld that had been depleting his life energy in all the times he went there for the wrong reasons... and the girl was a guide making sure his soul got back there and was punished for what he had done.
My friend and I reached our floor and got out intuitively knowing what had happened to them and picked up a news paper that talked about both of them being crushed in the elevator together as if it had happened days before. However she was okay and so was I and we were happy for that! This is when I woke up...
I don't want to lose my grandma and this is why this is scary for me. The other parts are just sort of weird that it played out in a complete story... What is your take on this dream?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Please Vote!
The video is totally hot and %100 free to see and there is no random registering or anything lame like that to vote... so it literally takes two seconds!
You can vote here! http://contest.shakinit.com/bc5_undressjess.html#
You can vote here! http://contest.shakinit.com/bc5_undressjess.html#
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