Wednesday, March 25, 2009

To my one true love...

I should have had us build a time capsule and then buried it at my grandfathers grave.
Just so I could dig it up now and throw it in your face.
Should I get up from his bed and write you this song?
A song I have been singing for 4 and 4 years. Now 8.
It might be some type of cantankerous fate bomb going off.
I deserve that, and I know.
But you don’t deserve my precious melody.

No you aren’t some faultless God.
You are just as repulsive and fallible as the rest, you just prefer it hidden
Under those cold deceiving blue eyes.
I waited 7 whole months to give you that…
Showing off my twirl and scissor, dancing up more and more lies.
No not that time, as they weren’t faux courtesies.
No not that time.

Last night I sat laid there for hours wishing you were the one that cried.
If I could have anything it would be to give you this pain
That I have inside.
Laying there making up more and more lies.
Where does this man next to me lie?
His sick sad body makes me wish I could die.
This is not his pain that he has to endure.

It’s yours.
I wish you would have never touched me again.
You broke open all of those shells I had hidden in make believe castles.
I remember every look, song and broken promise
That I created in your name.
You took from me something I had saved up
For the next real thing.

I curse you for this.
May your days suffer and you kneel and kiss the feet
Of many an undesirable and commonplace hag.
I am remarkable and you will never live to love another
That possesses the prepossessing prowess, like mine.
No you were not brave to know your own lust
And thus left me riding on your dust.

Do you know me?
Perhaps you have forgotten all of our childish winters?
Choices I made I will never hold on high
Because I lost your Love almost with determination.
After all, I have always been a masochist.
Do you remember when I had nothing left
But insults that were obviously lies?

Blood was pooling at my feet from my
Self gratifying wounds and all I could do was try.
Effort spewed forth from my only orifice that I had not allowed
To be beaten and hushed.
And you laughed at my hysterical appearance out of shame,
For you and for me and maybe even what I had came to be.
But the fact is I begged you not to be broken.

Even in my poorest hour when I made my gravest mistake
I pleaded with you not to love her.
Even when I halted my selfishness and decided to stop dragging you along
On my own personalized ride through hell.
I knew what was to come.
It came to me in dreams many years before,
And I woke up choking on my morality, jealousy and eventually hate.

Phantoms of the past are what I live on.
Ideals and hopes that are locked in my mind
From the day I first lay in your bed while you still slept and made that point
To look around and remember.
Still you don’t deserve this song.
You now string me behind for sport
Don’t you?

Otherwise why would you have given in to feed
This dream, memory and taste still lingering at my lips?
Then go on to much more settled and humdrum waters.
I hate and love you in the same a terrible way.
You are not as oblivious as you would like to seem.
No, because I know you better than anyone
And one day you will ingest this suicide pill

Of lies I had became.

I was in this movie in a fake little solo porn scene. It was done independently by a friend of mine and looks like it will be great!