Monday, February 27, 2012

Keep Your Kids Away From The Internetz Plz.

I LOVE this woman. She is part of the reason I am who I am. (Not the “porn” part of my life necessarily but definitely my personality and the way I view the world largely was influenced by this amazing woman at an early age!)

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my hero… Margaret Cho! (Read her blog post here before you read any of my blog entry any further…)

I felt the need to comment on this blog post on her actual blog page but I tried and got way off course as per usual… So I’m turning into MY OWN blog post instead so here it goes!

Low self esteem from an early age is what led me to be in the business that I'm in now. I KNOW that. I was constantly ridiculed for being fat, having bucked (& crooked!) teeth, or being "gross" during my entire childhood. When I developed an eating disorder and lost a ton of weight very quickly when I was in my sophomore year of high school, people at school started basically rewarding me for being obsessed with not eating food. I HATED them for this. All of a sudden guys wanted to hang out and all these girls started worshipping me because I was a total SKINNY goth babe now and not the fat ass goth slug I had been before.

This is why I get a strange satisfaction out of presenting myself as "sexy" and being paid extremely well for it now-a-days. I still feel ugly every time I look in the mirror but I feel that with clothing, hair, make-up and a general false presentation of one’s self anyone can pull off being stereotypically attractive. I'm like the “Wizard of Oz” when it comes to this. I'm still ugly, fat and have busted crooked teeth behind all the smoke and mirrors. I find it extremely hilarious that when people from high school see me out that they try to do anything they can to sleep with me as if I'm some object that can be coerced into sex that easily. Some of these people don't even know what I do for a living so it's not that they think I'm easy because I get naked on the the internet… I don’t know what it is exactly? Maybe it’s the make-up, the hair extensions and my body that’s thinner than their significant other’s that had children right after we graduated?

I know for a fact that if youtube was around when I was a preteen I would have done the same exact type of videos that my girl Margaret was talking about in her blog post I linked to you above… I’d ENJOY that dirty old men (no offense guys! But if you’re telling anyone under the legal age that they are sexy you are a dirty old man…) would probably compliment me & I would probably be crushed when the internet “trolls” would come out and prey on my insecurities and list every flaw I had and call me horrible names. As a side note, this is actually why I disable commenting on all of my video blogs on youtube these days… I just can’t take the bullshit. But yeah I definitely think it would be in any parent’s best interest to limit their child’s internet usage because I know PLENTY of kids with low self esteem that would be looking for any sort of validation and would try one of these “Am I Pretty?” video blog deals.

Honestly I have been on the internet since 1st grade. My grandpa had Prodigy and we’d surf the net for hours upon hours at a time together. This was ACCEPTABLE internet usage for a minor because we would be looking up all kinds of neat stuff that the web had to offer TOGETHER so he knew what the hell I was looking at. However when I got a tiny bit older and we got that magical AOL he’d leave me to do as I pleased. I had like over 100 boyfriends ranging from ages 18 to 40 something from all over the United States from 3rd grade on. I was sexy girl with “blonde hair and blue eyes that just turned 18” as far as any of them knew. I am hilarious.

This story turns sinister is that I would totally be having “cyber sex” with grown men at the age of 8 and 9 years old. Obviously I wasn’t dumb enough to agree to meet anyone but with old school AOL it DID list you in a PUBLIC directory that gave you city and state so this wasn’t exactly safe for me to do either… I knew about that but didn’t care about the risks. I was getting attention and it was exciting to my young heart.

Now this was forever ago! You can just imagine how weird kids are today. Because I know for a fact this wasn’t strange behavior for a kid in the 90’s… I have talked to many of my friends that are my age that had similar experiences with the interwebz all through their childhood years as well. Also parents, kids aren’t stupid. Mom, I knew the password to the satellite and would watch porn pretty much every night, just so you know… You’re NOT clever.

So in conclusion my opinion of what Cho discussed in her blog post above is just a small part of the whole PROBLEM with kids having free reign on the internet. Like the guy said in the video that she included in her blog post, it’s a parenting issue. “Cyber bullying” has no place in any child’s life and that along with inappropriate sexual attention can both be extremely harmful to a child who’s just developing their sense of self along with their sexuality.

I am PERSONALLY “cyber bullied” to the ends of the earth and back because I am naked online and some asshats take that for bait and try to bring me down. I have gotten some CRAZY ASS emails/comments on several of my different public posts/profiles (of ALL kinds) online. But I am now an adult and I can see that those people that “troll” the internet to “cyber bully” other people (like me, that have the nerve to put ourselves out there…) are so just sad loser fucks that hate themselves and want to take it out on everyone else. Especially on people that they see as being thinner, happier, richer (or whatever their personal insecurities may be) than them.

A happy person that loves them self has WAY MORE important things to do with their lives than sit on a computer and point out the “flaws” in someone else. Case and point. At this point I mainly feel sorry for these people and often laugh at them. But as a child or even a teenager there is no way I would have had the life experience to understand the sad psychology behind any “bully”, let alone an anonymous “cyber bully”. If I had I wouldn’t still have low self esteem about my appearance due to the fucked up kids that made fun of me for this or that through my childhood years and I would have turned out to be a MUCH more interesting & successful adult and NOT a nude model that needs constant validation on her appearance.

Just saying… Watch your damn kids. Get them involved with activities that promote WHO they are INSIDE and don’t put importance on what they look like on the OUTSIDE. Instead of my grandma putting me in modeling school I wish she would have enrolled me in voice (or piano!) lessons. Sure the modeling school helped me learn how to hold myself and “pretend” to be sexy in photos but teaching a child how to be sexy is WRONG! And this goes for allowing your children to take dance lessons from studios that put them in bras and booty shorts and have them dancing to sexually themed music that they don’t know anything about. All that does is teach your little girls how to be AWESOME strippers with advanced musicality (like me!) when they grow up. Children absorb what they are taught and put stock into it like no one else. “Oh I get praised by my parents, teachers and peers when I do my sexy jazz dance perfectly to this R. Kelly song!? WINNING! I wanna dance sexy and get praised FOREVER because it makes me feel envied, worthy and desired!” Or at least that was my thought process when I was a child and look how I turned out?

I’m not saying I think my job, stripping or any other sort of adult work is terrible and should be abolished or ridiculed. I truly believe that by being an adult worker I’ve been allowed the chance to work through a lot of these issues in a proactive and positive way! I know myself and know where these strange parts of me stem from now because of the work I do. But you can’t help but notice the fact that dancing sexily (on dance teams NOT at the studio I grew up taking dance classes at! My teacher was very against having children dance to age inappropriate music in an age inappropriate way!) to sexy music or having “cyber sex” with grown men who thought I was legal and being praised and given massive amounts of attention for these activities had a direct effect on who I am today.

I was “pretty” when I danced well in a sexual manner. I was “pretty” when I was lying (saying I had blonde hair and blue eyes) and could and would take it in any hole that the “chatter” I was IMing with desired. This can not be good for a child’s mental or sexual development because these activities place priority on things they shouldn’t know about until they are mature enough to process that kind of attention.

That’s my 2 cents. The End. :)


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

My intention is not to bring you down but I can't help but to see fallacies in this "morale" you are trying to put across. I think it's good that you're raising awareness of how fucked up some people raise their kids and what can happen on the internet. But still, there are two things I find odd that I would like to focus on the most.

First of all - Do you really blame the lack of internet censorship for what you were doing on the internet as a child? The way you are writing makes it sound like they tried to put passwords up but you just ignored them anyway because you had personal interests of your own. And also, it sounds weird to me that a small girl would be having cyber sex on the internet at the age of 8-9. Those weren't exactly my intentions with the PC when I was a kid. It sounds to me like you had something messed up going on back then. Because I don't think that if a average normal child were to be placed in front of the internet, their first urge would be to have cyber sex with old men. Have you talked to a shrink about this? Im not trying to be insulting but I think it sounds odd and I still know a fair bit about about childhood sexuality.

Of course the internet should be moderated for a child but I think it's more important that parents actually take the time to talk to their kids about sex rather then just censor everything away. That's what has a deep impact in the long run. Not "THIS IS FORBIDDEN" because that only attracts kids even more.

Second - The way you are writing makes it look like you hate yourself and your profession is something bad that should be used as a warning example. I resent that, not only because I enjoy porn, but also because it seems like you KNOW you are doing something wrong but yet you keep doing it anyway.
"I would have turned out to be a MUCH more interesting & successful adult and NOT a nude model that needs constant validation on her appearance. "

I know that you wrote that you don't mean anything bad about the porn industry but there still seems to be a certain negative tone about it running through the entire text. I just need to throw this out there; WHY are you even a nude model if you know it's something self-destructive? Quite frankly it seems like you're abusing the porn industry for your own personal issues. That's not the right reasons to do porn. You're not going to be able to gain acceptance towards yourself from other people, it needs to come from within. Otherwise you're just wasting time.

The problem in this case doesn't seem to be related to the internet at all. It seems to be related to your relatives. How fucked up is your grandmother if she made you take modeling classes where you were supposed to look "sexy" as a child? Jesus fucking christ, that's not normal and that must have scarred you more then anything.

You wrote that as a child you would watch porn every night. I was a curious kid myself but I wasn't doing that until I was 12-13 and had access to it on TV, I wouldn't go out of my way to do it when I was 9. Everyone is different I suppose, but it just sounds odd to me.

Im just saying that perhaps you should work out your problems with a professional instead of porn. Yes, you have been bullied and that's horrible. I have been bullied as well. But there is a point where you need to separate your past from the present and stop letting other peoples opinions matter anymore. You are the one who chooses whether or not you should move on. It is a CHOICE as to whether or not you're gonna cut other peoples perceptions away from yourself. As it looks now, you haven't.

I wish you the best.